Perfect Porcelain
by Backyardstalker
Summary: Blaine is happy. Kurt is not. Kurt wants to be thinner. Perfect.  Will Blaine realise Kurt has an eating disorder, before it's too late?    Yeah, my summary sucks.
1. Chapter 1: Blaine

Blaine Anderson is happily singing along to Teenage Dream, unaware of two piercing blue eyes that are following his moves from behind a fashion magazine. "Blaine, that table is _dripping_" Kurt's clear voice sounds over the music. Blaine looks up from his water and soap. "I'm cleaning, babe. It's supposed to get wet." He receives a snort from his boyfriend. "Yes, you're cleaning. Not teaching it how to swim."

Kurt gets up and moves to Blaine with a faked sigh of annoyance. "You're such a kid, Anderson. Did you never learn how to clean something properly?" He takes the sponge from Blaine's hands and squeezes the water out, so it can absorb some of the water that's spread out over the table. "Look, that's how you clean. You were drowning our furniture."

Blaine is still grinning sheepishly and he shrugs. "I like watching you clean." He replies. "So I'm getting off my lazy ass for once?" Blaine laughs. "Of course not, silly. You can sit on your ass. You're already working too hard at your new study. You deserve some rest." Kurt freezes as Blaine rubs his ass, teasingly.

"What's wrong, babe?" Kurt shakes his head. "Nothing, just didn't expect that." He smiles and Blaine smiles back. Then he wraps his arms around his boyfriend, who instantly goes rigid in his embrace.

"Kurt?"

"It's just- I- You're wet."

"It's water and soap."

"It could give stains on my clothes."

Kurt pushes him away and walks off towards their bedroom, while snatching his fashion magazine from the couch. "Where are you going?" Blaine asks, confused. "Bed, I have a headache." Kurt replies. "I'll have dinner ready in a bit!" Blaine calls towards the shut door. He doesn't get a reply.

* * *

><p>Half an hour later, Blaine is knocking on the door. Kurt doesn't reply. The door is locked and there's a sound of a pen writing on paper when he presses his ear against the door. Maybe Kurt isn't hungry again. Blaine blames the stress he gets from school. Kurt was always locked up in their bedroom, going through fashion magazines and writing essays. He never imagined a study involving fashion would be that hard. Then again, Kurt was a perfectionist. Everything had to be checked over and over.<p>

"Kurt? Baby? Dinner's ready. Could you please say something?"

There's a soft sound of sheets moving on the other side of the door. "I'm not hungry, Blaine."

"Have you eaten anything at all today?"

"Blaine, I'm not a kid, I can take care of myself."

"Have you, then? You seem to barely eat anything. You're getting thinner."

There's a short silence. "I ate while you were at the supermarket, Blaine. Don't worry, alright?"

"Kurt, we're communicating through our _bedroom_ _door_ again."

"I'm working, alright. You have dinner. I bet you made something delicious again."

Blaine smiles, because Kurt is just too sweet. He feels bad for doubting his boyfriend. Of course he can take care of himself. Kurt has been living alone with his father for years. He practically grew up without a mother. He was used to looking after himself.

Blaine presses his hand against the hard door. He doesn't know why, it just feels a bit closer to Kurt. "I'm sorry, baby. Just don't push yourself too hard on this study, alright? You're always busy with those essays. It feels like the others are letting you do all the hard work. I thought you were working in groups this period?"

"We're supposed to, but I seem to be the most driven in succeeding with this assignment and actually getting a perfect grade. Some of them are terribly lazy."

"Don't make it too late, alright?"

"Yes, dad."

Blaine sighs and removes his hand from the door. " I love you." He says, before returning to the kitchen for his fifth dinner alone this week. He hopes the assignment is done soon. At least Christmas is close. Kurt can really use a vacation.


	2. Chapter 2: Kurt

Kurt is fat. No, he isn't fat. He is chubby. Which is just as bad.

Blue eyes are racking over his body. His damned pear shaped body. His broad, girly hips, his way-too-big ass, his huge thighs, that move like disgusting jelly at every step he takes. The sight makes him want to smash the mirror into a million pieces. But Blaine would hear that.

Sweet Blaine, who he shuts out every day, so he can stare and pinch at his body. So he can drag the hidden scale out of the closet from underneath a huge pile of his clothes, that Blaine would never dare to touch, and write down one sickening number after the other, with only the small satisfaction of the number actually dropping every day. The newest number reads:

_114.6 - BMI 17_

Each number is written down neatly, but slightly pressed down into the paper with frustration and desperation. Every day, the journal is carefully hidden underneath the mattress before he unlocks the door again.

He feels awful, keeping things from Blaine, because he knows his boyfriend loves him. He does. But he knows it's only a matter of time until the lovely, oblivious, beautiful boy will find someone who is so much better than Kurt. Prettier, thinner, worthy of his love. And Kurt doesn't want to be alone. He needs Blaine to stay. Blaine was his personal angel, who saved him when he felt miserable and worthless. Blaine made him smile again and made him feel loved and _flustered_, just by singing a song to him, while he was a complete stranger. An intruder, even. A spy. And Blaine saved him, just like that. Kurt needs him.

So he has to do this alone. Blaine would never compliment him if he knew Kurt's ways. Living on two spoons of sugar-free cereal, diet coke, water and four rice crackers was nothing to be proud of. It was too much, even. But he doesn't want to risk losing control because he's getting too hungry.

* * *

><p>Blaine's voice is heard from the other side of the door - "Kurt, please stop working and eat with me for once!" - and Kurt forces himself to look away from the disfigured image in the mirror. He bites his dry lower lip, his fingers still pushing and pulling his fat arms.<p>

"I don't feel good, babe. I'm going to sleep early. You're right, I'm working too much. Tomorrow, okay?"

"Kurt, open the door, please."

Panic builds up in his fragile disgusting body. Quickly, he pushes the scale underneath the bed, half wrecked journal messily stuffed underneath his pillow. Then he pulls his clothes back on. He opens the door, knowing his hair is a mess. He decides to fake a yawn. "I think I already slept for like an hour or something."

Blaine looks worried. Kurt hates himself for lying, but even though it is for Blaine, he knows his boyfriend would never want or allow him to starve himself. Kurt likes to call it an emergency diet, because he can only eat this much for a while, to speed up the progress. He knows it's unhealthy and wrong, but he has no other option. The pear shape had to disappear.

Before he can process what's happening, Blaine has him wrapped up in his arms and pressed tightly against his warm, hard chest. He can feel the muscles in Blaine's arms clenching against his waist and back. Kurt hates that he can't be tanned, exotic and muscular like his boyfriend. They're traits he loves about Blaine, but it also makes him jealous and desperate. Why was someone with a great body like Blaine Anderson with this pale, chubby, girly voiced _thing_?

He tries his hardest to relax in the boy's arms. To pretend everything's the same as before. He really does. But he can't help but to suck in his stomach, freeze slightly and being unable to return the hug. He wishes the fat would just disappear already, so Blaine can touch him without having to feel like he's holding a fucking hippo. That's what it must feel like to hold him. Kurt is sure about it.

"I made you a salad. Just try to eat something, beautiful."

"Blaine, I-"

"Please, Kurt. You look terrible."

Stings are stabbing holes into his chest. It's hard to breathe and he prays for a stab to hit his heart so he can die already. Of course, nothing happens. Blaine can't even see it bleeding. It's all in his head..

Oh, he knows he looks terrible. He wants to yell at Blaine, tell him he's working on it. 'Soon I'll look perfect' keeps on pounding in his head. But he can't say it. Blaine will freak out, Kurt will freak out. No, lying was the best thing to do.

"I'm not feeling well." I'm so hungry, Blaine.

"It's just a salad, Kurt." Make me eat, Blaine. Please, look into my eyes find out my dirty, little secret.

There's a silence, in which Blaine waits patiently and Kurt is counting calories.

"Fine, I'll try some of your salad."

"Thank you, baby. I'm sorry if I'm pushing you, but you're turning into a ghost."

"It's fine, Blaine. I'm neglecting you. I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Let's just get some energy into your body, before you continue writing again."

Kurt follows Blaine to the kitchen, where a plate of his favorite salad is waiting for him. His body trembles and aches as he sits himself down on his chair.

_'It's okay. I'll just skip on the rice crackers and diet coke tomorrow.'_

His stomach instantly growls, obviously not agreeing and Kurt is terrified for the weekend.

Christmas could ruin everything.


	3. Chapter 3: Blaine

**AN: Thank you all for the reviews! As promised, this chapter is longer. It's Blaine's POV again, because it will be switching every chapter ^^**  
><strong>Let me know what you think!<strong>  
><strong>Also, I promise Blaine is getting closer to finding out, so he can help poor Kurt soon ~<strong>

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><p>"Kurt, are you done packing?" Blaine asks on Saturday morning. They're about to leave, to celebrate Christmas at the Hummel-Hudson house. He knows Kurt is looking forward to seeing his father. It has been a while since they've visited Lima. Blaine has to smile at the thought of seeing Rachel and Finn. He wonders what they will be fighting about this time.<p>

Kurt shows up from the bathroom. Apparently he managed to stuff all his moisturizing products into one bag. Blaine raises a triangle shaped eyebrow, but doesn't say anything. He knows how strictly Kurt follows his routine and it would be a stupid thing to get a discussion about. Besides, Kurt isn't a kid. He can decide for himself what he wants to pack.

"Do you have everything?" Blaine moves to the closet and goes through Kurt's clothes. "You should definitely have enough warm clothes with you."

Suddenly he's pulled out of the closet -oh, the irony - by Kurt, whose eyes are wide and filled with panic. "Kurt? What's wrong? Babe, talk. What is it?"

Kurt stares at him, obviously not knowing what to say and seemingly shocked by his own action too. Blaine is starting to get worried. "Baby, you've been acting strange lately. What's going on?"

Silence.

"Kurt?"

"We should go."

"Kurt, if there's anything bothering you-"

"Blaine, I'm fine. I just didn't sleep well last night."

"You do look tired."

"I told you."

Blaine sighs and softly touches his boyfriend's cheek. He looks so lovely, with his pale skin, perfectly styled hair and the slight blush on his cheeks. He wonders why Kurt is only wearing those oversized clothes lately. Last time he asked he got a "It's winter, Blaine. Big clothes are warmer. Everyone knows that." but he doesn't like not being able to see Kurt's body.

Now, you would think that the bedroom would be the opportunity for that. But it has been weeks since they made love for the last time. Blaine doesn't know if he did something wrong. It didn't look or sound that way, while Kurt was writhing and moaning underneath him, clenching the sheets in his pale fingers and gasping his name. So, maybe he will never admit it, but he is longing for Kurt's pale, thin, porcelain body. It's actually driving him insane, not being able to see it, because of those stupid, oversized, fully covering clothes. He can even barely see Kurt's neck.

Of course, these thoughts are turning him on. Badly. Blaine tries to swallow and lets his eyes roam over Kurt's body. His boyfriend shifts uncomfortably and closes the closet door. "I have enough clothes. No need to make a mess in there."

Blaine frowns. "Why would I make a mess in your closet? I wouldn't dare."

Kurt shrugs and puts his bag with moisturisers in his suitcase. "Do you have everything?" Blaine nods and takes Kurt's hand. His fingers are freezing. Blaine makes a soft noise of disapproval and instantly tries to warm up Kurt's hands, who pulls them away.

"Let's go."

* * *

><p>As soon as Burt opens the door, he notices Kurt and pulls his son into his arms. Blaine notices how Kurt winces a bit, but doesn't pay too much attention to it. He can imagine it being rather hard to breathe when someone like Burt hugs you. So he steps closer and laughs. "Come on, Burt. Let him breathe."<p>

Burt lets go of his son and turns to Blaine, smiling happily. "Blaine Anderson, it has been too long. Have you been taking good care of my kid?" He asks teasingly, while he squeezes Kurt's shoulder.

Almost instantly, Burt turns to Kurt again, worry on his face. "Kid, I can feel your bones. Are you even eating properly?"

Kurt turns a shade paler and stares at the sidewalk. Burt barely gives him time to reply. "Well, it's Christmas. I will make sure you eat enough at my house. Carole has been cooking and baking since yesterday. No, kid, no excuses. You're going to eat properly. I don't know what Blaine has been feeding you, but you need more than that, apparently."

Blaine shuffles a bit on his spot, before following Burt and Kurt into the house, where Finn and Rachel are already waiting. There's a delicious smell coming from the kitchen, where Carole is obviously busy with dinner. Blaine's stomach growls, but not as loud as Kurt's, who blushes and excuses himself to the bathroom. Blaine, who still feels slightly awkward in the Hummel-Hudson house, quietly sits himself down in a chair, next to Finn and Rachel. "Hey guys.. " He starts with a shy smile.

The two look at him and return his smile. Then Finn starts a discussion with Rachel about singing being a sport or not. Blaine coughs and gets up again. "I'm going to get our stuff to Kurt's room." He announces, before grabbing the suitcases and following Kurt towards his room, because his boyfriend is obviously still used to using his own bathroom, instead of the general one.

He puts the suitcases down on the twin bed and lets himself fall down next to them. A sigh escapes his lips. He isn't used to having to behave or being around a lot of people. Sure, at work he's around people. But this was different. These were people who he has known for years. Most of them were Kurt's family, even though only Burt was technically his real family, of course. He tiredly rubs his eyes and then scans Kurt's room. It's exactly the way he left it when he moved to New York to live with Blaine. His attention is caught by some photo's on Kurt's desk and vanity. Blaine gets up and moves closer to look at them, even though he has seen them before. The old pictures of Kurt with his mother still get to him. The small boy, with the bright, blue eyes, little bow tie and, even at his young age, perfectly coiffed hair, who was drinking tea with an almost female version of Kurt, only slightly older and more feminine, with long hair, but the same porcelain skin and beautiful eyes.

Blaine can't help but to smile a bit sadly. He can't imagine how much Kurt must miss his mother. He's pretty lost in thought for a while, his fingers touching the glass that protects the photo. Then Carole's voice sounds from upstairs. "Kurt! Blaine! Dinner's ready!"

Blaine is pulled back from his thoughts and gets up, walking to the bathroom door. "Kurt, are you done? We have to get back." There's a sound of stumbling, then a toilet being flushed. About ten seconds later, Kurt opens the door. He looks pale and a bit shaken. Blaine just strokes his boyfriend's cheek with his fingers, since Kurt has this new weird phobia against hugs. "Hey babe, you ready for Christmas dinner with our family?"

Kurt doesn't look at him, he's just studying his face in the mirror of his vanity, looking a bit out of it. "It's just my family, Blaine. Yours isn't there." He replies flatly.

"That's because we refuse to talk to each other. Also, soon we'll be married. Then your family is my family. Aren't they already my family, just a bit?" Blaine reacts, with a slight smile, trying to cheer Kurt up a bit.

Kurt just shrugs and brushes past Blaine as he walks out of the room. Blaine is left alone, slightly confused, wondering what he did wrong. He has no idea what's up with Kurt lately. Maybe he should talk to Burt alone, later.

He decides that would be for the best. Burt seemed to be worried about his son's state too. Maybe if Blaine tells him about him being absent, always working and in too much stress to eat something, they could figure out together how they could help Kurt.


	4. Chapter 4: Kurt

**AN**: Thank you so much for the amazing reviews! Because I'm a bit lazy, I'll reply on some of them here, because I felt the need to xD  
><strong>Azaelia67<strong>:We all know Blaine is oblivious when he shouldn't be. That makes him so adorable and very Blaine xD  
><strong>MadelineATL<strong>: In one of the next chapters you'll find out what Kurt was doing in the bathroom ~  
><strong>CaseyChimera<strong>: Thank you so much! Yes, Kurt is giving the obvious signs, without realizing it, of course. Too bad our Blaine needs to hear or see clear evidence to actually figure something out xD Don't worry, he'll see Kurt's body soon, so he will understand. Hopefully.  
><strong>LoLo98<strong>:I'm afraid you'll have to wait a bit for the hot gay sex. Kurt is in no state to even think about sex right now, especially because he doesn't want Blaine to touch his body, let alone see it.  
>I hope this update was soon enough. I'm really getting into this stuff. Before this I have only been writing one shots. It's been years since I last wrote something multi-chapter-ish. I can't believe how many e-mails I'm getting from people who are subscribing to this. Don't stop doing that, though!<br>Alright, enjoy Kurt. The usual trigger warnings count. Also, I have been listening to Cough Syrup on repeat while I was writing this chapter. It helps with the angst and drama, apparently xD

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><p>Kurt is terrified. His body is aching and trembling and he doesn't know what to do. He's sitting at the table, Carole is putting mountains of food on his plate and his father is smiling at him, encouraging him to eat, even before his wife has put the plate down in front of him. He stares at the food, pretty sure he's about to have either a panic attack or he's going to gain a hundred pounds, by only breathing in the scent of his food. Blaine is sitting next to him, apparently waiting for him to take the first bite. At the other side of the table, Rachel is watching Finn stuff his face, with a slightly disapproving frown on her face. Both his father and Carole, have started eating too. He notices his father is watching him, though.<p>

His whole body is trembling as he reaches for his knife and fork, the objects feeling strange in his hands after such a long time. They're almost as cold as his fingers. He decides to go for the salad, even if it's just to make his father lose his interest and to get Blaine to eat. He pricks some salad on his fork and forces his hand to move the food to his mouth, his mouth to open and his tongue to meet the cold and slightly bitter tasting piece of lettuce. He chews slowly, carefully, his heart beating weakly but loudly in his chest. He feels exposed and a bit betrayed. Why were they making the fat kid eat?

He swallows the bite, his stomach making another noise. He curses his body as he feels the hunger growing. His hands are shaking. He hasn't eaten all day and he's so, so hungry. He looks next to him and notices that Blaine has started eating too. He turns to look at his father, who is no longer keeping an eye on him, because he's trying to support Carole in her lecture to Finn about table manners. No one is paying attention.

That's when he loses it.

He's shoving the food into his mouth, barely chewing before swallowing the bites, the sensation of the flavours on his tongue feeling wonderful. This tastes so much better than dry cornflakes and rice crackers. And even though it's a bit greasy and it feels like bricks are hitting his empty stomach each time he has swallowed a bite, it feels so good. He's unaware of the soft moaning sounds he makes, until he catches Blaine looking at him with a mischievous smile. Kurt blushes and is suddenly too aware of his almost empty plate. He quickly drops his fork and pushes the plate away. Finn is loading a second plate, but Kurt feels sick. His stomach is turning, he feels swollen and full. He nervously plucks the sleeve of his oversized shirt, which he wears to cover his embarrassing body.

"You sure were hungry, kiddo." He hears his father say and Kurt wants to disappear. Sink through his chair and the floor and stay there until he's suffocated and _dead._Too bad he's only fat enough to fall through his chair. The floor wouldn't be able to swallow him. So he just smiles at Burt and nods, while he can feel his body growing. His stomach is swollen and full, but Carole puts a bowl of vanilla ice cream down in front of him. He starts to protest, his eyes wide and scared, but his father won't have any of it and neither will Blaine.

"You're going to eat that, Kurt. It's good for you. You're too thin."

Kurt feels tears stinging in his eyes, but he gives in to the sweet temptation. Blaine even puts whipped cream on it for him and guilt washes over him at every bite of sugar, fat, **calories**.

* * *

><p>As soon as every has finished dessert, Kurt excuses himself to the bathroom once again. He lifts his baggy shirt and stares at his reflection. His swollen, fat stomach is clearly visible. He starts to tremble and tears are sliding down his cheeks. He's scared and so, so desperate. Almost frantically, he turns to the toilet, kneeling down in front of it, his knees hurting against the tiles that are pressing against his aching bones. He's sobbing as he parts his lips and forces his fingers inside, pressing them into his throat until he starts to cough and feels as if he can't breath, instantly retreating them again. But nothing is coming out but saliva. He pushes them in again, coughing more, his sight blurred with tears, his knees hurting. Still, nothing is coming out. Kurt feels himself getting slightly hysterical. Why won't the stupid food come out? He's so full. So full. He has to be empty. Empty was good, pure. Right now, he is a sinner. A fat pig.<p>

He's almost choking on his own saliva that is dripping into the toilet from his lips and fingers. It's getting hard to breathe, especially because his own fingers are choking him every few seconds. He tries to push them in deeper, but his gag reflex won't allow it. "Fuck.."

He feels so small and stupid. He has never tried this before and now he knows why. Not eating was so much easier than choking on your own saliva.

He wipes his mouth and fingers with toilet paper and flushes the toilet, even though there isn't much to hide. Then he sinks down onto the floor and continues crying, his arms wrapped around his swollen belly. He's so cold, tired and nauseous. He remains on the cold floor, trembling, crying and hating himself.

"Kurt, everything okay in there?"

He freezes at the sound of Rachel's voice. She is the last person he expected to come look for him.

"I'm fine, Rachel. Where's Blaine?" He replies, his voice a bit hoarse.

"Oh, he's helping Carole clean things up in the kitchen! I actually came to give you your Christmas present."

Kurt takes a deep breath and pushes himself up on the toilet seat. "I'll be there in a bit." He says, while returning to the mirror to fix his face. He washes his hands and then opens the door, instantly greeted by Rachel Hudson-Berry, who is dressed in one of her old animal sweaters. Probably because they're warm. Kurt can't help but wish he had one of those things. They aren't fashionable at all, but he's so cold right now, he would kill for a damn animal sweater. It can even be knitted for all he cares.

He forces a smile on his face as she pushes a box into his hands that is wrapped in gift paper and decorated with a giant bow. "Thank you, Rachel." He mumbles. "Why don't you wait for the gift sharing we have later, though?"

The tiny girl smiles. "You seemed a bit uncomfortable at dinner and I thought I could cheer you up, so you would feel more like the event."

Kurt swallows the lump in his throat and tries hard not to cry again. At times like these, he just loves Rachel. Or having a female friend around in general, who pays attention to his reactions. He doesn't want her to find out about his secret, but he feels a bit more loved than before. So he gives her a kiss on the cheek as she leans in to hug him and then sits down on his bed with the box, leaving Rachel a bit shocked, before she follows him to sit down next to her friend. "I hope you like it."

Kurt unwraps the box and opens it, revealing a dvd box set. Before he has time to even read any further, Rachel is talking again.

"I got you a Barbra movie collection, including _Funny Girl_ and _Yentl_. I thought it was nice to give you something that will always remind you of me."

Kurt stares at her with half open mouth, speechless and touched. "Rachel, this is-"

"Don't worry about it, Kurt. I'm glad you seem to like it. Now, let's go to the others. Blaine should be done in the kitchen too. If Carole hasn't pushed him out herself yet. I swear, Kurt, your boyfriend is so clumsy, it's a miracle he hasn't broken anything yet."

Kurt can't help but to chuckle at the thought of Blaine attempting to clean the kitchen. Rachel was right about him being rather clumsy.

"Thank you so much for all this, Rachel. Not just the present, but also for noticing I felt bad at dinner." He tells her, honestly.

The brunette smiles at him. "It was the food, wasn't it?"

"W-What?" Panic starts to build up. She couldn't know. That would be insane. He wasn't-

"It wasn't healthy enough for you." Rachel explains.

Kurt takes a second to catch his breath, relieved.

"Oh, yes.. Yes."

"But you ate a lot."

Kurt bites his lower lip and wraps his arms protectively around his body again. "Yeah."

"That must have taken a lot of courage. I'm glad you had something. You look like you've lost weight."

"Well, with Blaine I'm not forced to eat unhealthy." He replies, carefully.

"True. Well, we should get going. They must be waiting for us."

Rachel hooks her arm into Kurt's and drags him back towards the living room, while Kurt is just trying his hardest not to cry. This was going to be a long evening.


	5. Chapter 5: Blaine

**AN: Thank you for your reviews! Sorry it took a bit longer to update, but I'm still planning my story and I want things to go right, you know xD  
><strong>**Anyway, we are back to Blaine. He'll probably find out within the next two chapters. He's close, so.. Time to talk to Burt!  
>I want to thank all you amazing people for subscribing to this story. It means a lot to me! This chapter is a bit shorter again, but I can't do much with Blaine right now. Hope you'll enjoy anyway. Don't forget to review! I write on your opinions ^^"<strong>

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><p>Blaine is pacing up and down Kurt's bedroom, while keeping his eyes on the small figure that's laying sprawled across the twin bed, asleep, but his breathing shallow. Blaine is worried sick, but Kurt won't talk to him and he's starting to feel helpless. He just doesn't know if he should talk it over with Burt or not. With the man's medical history and Kurt's trust, it's a hard decision to make. He doesn't want to worry Burt while Kurt is actually just tired. Or kill Kurt's trust, by talking to his father without him knowing.<p>

He keeps on going through his options, bur there aren't much. It was either let it go or talk to Burt. Talking to Kurt isn't an option - he's tried to do that many times, but the boy just pushes him away further every time he tries to figure out what's wrong. It's like Kurt doesn't want to involve him, but he can't think of anything that he wouldn't be allowed to know. The only stupid answer that came to him was 'maybe Kurt is pregnant' but that was the most idiotic thing that has ever crossed his mind.

Besides, Kurt isn't getting bigger. He's getting smaller and smaller. Blaine still hasn't seen his body since their sex, which is about two months ago. He's desperate. Not only for sex, just for Kurt's touch. He's barely allowed to hold his boyfriend's hand, only when it's naturally, not to comfort Kurt or stop him for a conversation. He's dying for a simple hug, but Kurt doesn't return them, pushes him away or simply walks the other way as soon as he comes closer.

Blaine feels rejected. And it hurts.

He can't think of anything his boyfriend could refuse to share. He considered the option that Kurt is cheating on him, but then he wouldn't look so sick, would he? Maybe just guilty, but not dying. He's even sleeping on the couch, because Kurt says he needs some space. What the hell was going on?

Blaine stops his pacing and clenches his fist. He's going to talk to Burt.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, after throwing an extra blanket over Kurt's trembling body, mumbling to himself and making his way to the living room, Blaine carefully walks in, glad to see only Burt and Carole are sitting there. Apparently Finn and Rachel have already left to sleep. Or do something else. Blaine really doesn't want to know.<p>

"Ahem, er, Mr.- Er.. Burt?"

The two adults look up and Carole smiles at him.

"Blaine, honey. Are you still awake? Come sit with us."

Blaine bites his lower lip and walks into the room, slowly sitting himself down into a chair. "Hi.." He smiles slightly.

"What's up, kid? You look upset. I know that look. Kurt used to have it a lot."

"I.. Well.. I wanted to talk about Kurt.."

"You're not leaving him, are you?"

"What? Oh! No! Of course not! I would never- Why would I want- No. No. I'm not. I _love_ Kurt.."

Blaine shifts a bit awkwardly after his little outburst, staring at his hands.

"What's wrong, honey?"

Blaine can't force himself to look at Carole. He wants to, but he feels too guilty and awkward for sharing something that seems to be really personal to Kurt.

"I'm worried." He then manages to say.

"Worried? Is something wrong with Kurt?"

"He doesn't eat. Well. I don't _see_ him eat. He says he eats, but he's always locking himself in the bedroom, working on school."

"It's probably just stress, Blaine. Kurt tends to work too hard."

"I know, I know. But he won't let me touch him."

Burt makes a noise and Blaine feels his cheeks starting to burn.

"I mean, no, not just- Oh God.. No, he won't even let me hug him! He doesn't talk to me. _We don't talk_. He's always busy or tired and it has been going on for weeks.. No, months. I mean, last time we got, er, intimate.." Blaine keeps staring at his hands, feeling terribly awkward and embarrassed discussing Kurt's sex life with his father. "He insisted on it being dark, no lights, underneath the blankets, even when he was still dressed. I'm not allowed to see him or touch him too much. I could only hold his hands.."

There's an awkward silence in which Blaine mentally beats himself up for not being able to keep his mouth shut. After what seems like hours, he looks up slightly, daring to glance shortly at the two parents. Carole's eyes meet his and she gives him a small smile.

"It's okay, Blaine, honey. It's really brave of you to talk to us about this. You must be really worried."

Blaine simply nods.

"But you must know that we can't do much either. Kurt opens up to you the most. If he won't talk to you, he won't talk to anyone."

He feels cold and desperate, his eyes on Burt now.

"I- I just thought you could ask him. I mean.. You're like authority or something. You can make him talk!"

Burt shakes his head.

"No one can make Kurt talk. He needs to do that himself. I can only assure you we will try to prevent him from closing himself off too much. Maybe we can advise him to talk to you. But I can't do more than that. Kurt isn't a sharing person. Not when it comes to feelings. He has never been one. He's used to dealing with stuff alone. I'd want it differently, but he won't talk to me either."

Blaine nods again and gets up. Carole gets up too and pulls him into a hug. Blaine barely realises he's clinging to the woman, craving the contact.

"It's going to be fine, honey. I'll make him a lot of delicious food and we'll get him eat again in no-time."

Blaine doesn't reply. He knows it won't help. He makes delicious food for Kurt every single day and he always ends up having to eat it alone.

"You know he's a health freak."

Blaine doesn't even bother telling Burt he's been eating salads and vegetables for a week. He knows he has to figure this out himself. For a brief second he considers talking to Rachel, but he has never been close to her. Except for their drunk make-out session. The girl had the same air as Kurt, but hers was slightly creepy.

"Thank you. I'll be going to bed then. Goodnight. Dinner was great again."

Carole smiles at him, Burt gives him a friendly nod and Blaine moves back to Kurt's room. Quietly he opens the door. His instantly spots his boyfriend, now curled up, like a small animal, leaving half of the bed empty.

He hesitates for a moment, looking at the small, uncomfortable couch and back at the warm bed. He makes his choice and strips to his underwear, brushes his teeth and joins Kurt in bed. He watches the frail figure for a few minutes, who only stirred slightly when Blaine lifted the blankets to get into the bed.

He moves closer and presses a soft kiss on Kurt's forehead.

_"I love you so much.._" He whispers.

Then he closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep, his body not touching Kurt's, except for his fingers, which are holding his boyfriend's pale, cold hand.


	6. Chapter 6: Kurt

**AN: Thank you so much for the new reviews!  
>AngelisIgniRelucent: Thank you! I'm trying to keep this as realistic as possible, by writing from personal experience, so I know the actions and reactions are kind of 'normal'<br>Sunday morning on saturday: I don't see Kurt as a drugs person, so Blaine didn't think of that either XD And he looks way too miserable to be cheating. Also, you kind of got what you 'wanted' with this chapter.  
>This chapter is short, because it's a small filler and I'm working towards Blaine finding out about Kurt.<br>Keep reviewing! **

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><p>When Kurt wakes up, it's barely light outside. He's startled by a soft snore and notices Blaine next to him. His heart starts to beat faster in his chest and fear takes over. He glances down and lets out a relieved sigh when he realises he's still wearing his pyjamas with a thick, wide sweater on top. He was cold last night and he couldn't let his guard down, even in his sleep.<p>

He carefully pries Blaine's fingers from his hand, putting his boyfriend's warm hand down. He slowly lets himself slide out of bed and quietly shuffles to the bathroom to use the toilet. He washes his hands and looks at the scale that is shoved underneath the sink. He's terrified for the number, especially after two Christmas meals. Yesterday, he didn't have time to weight himself, because Blaine had been around him the whole time. Then Rachel had claimed his attention and Carole had given him breakfast. Which he had eaten. Well, a quarter of it. The rest was shoved into the trash can while Carole was getting Finn.

He bites his lower lip, hard. He just needs to know. So he closes the door, locks it and picks up the scale with trembling hands. He puts it down, strips off his clothes, takes about five to ten minutes staring at his reflection in disgust, and gets onto the scale. As the numbers stop changing, a soft sob escapes his lips.

_116.8_

This number isn't right. At all. He gained 2.2 pounds in two days, because of those stupid dinners and Carole's stupid need to feed him breakfast. No wonder he is such a fat cow. People needed to stop feeding him. He looks at the toilet, but knows it's a lost case. He hasn't eaten anything recently and his try from two days ago failed miserably, actually leaving him feeling even worse.

So instead he opens his bag with moisturiser products and takes his razors from the bottom of the bag, safely hidden into a make-up case. He glances at the door, mumbling a "Blaine, I'm so sorry.." and presses the cold metal against the skin of his inner arm, just above his wrist. Apologizing to Blaine has become a stupid habit. It's a stupid one, because Blaine has no idea what he's doing. But maybe that's the reason he's apologising. Kurt doesn't know. He's just staring as blood starts to drip into the sink. Red meeting white. It's fascinating and it gives him an adrenaline rush, encouraging him to cut again. And again. And again. Four beautiful cuts that are now leaking blood.

He cleans the razor and puts it back into the case, hiding it again. He attempts to clean the wound as much as he can and wraps a bandage around his arm. Then he puts his clothes back on and pushes the scale back in its place. Just in time.

"Kurt? Are you almost done in there? I kinda really need to use the toilet."

"One second, baby."

He washes the blood away in the sink and puts his toothbrush in his mouth, before unlocking the door, deciding he looks totally innocent like this.

"It's all yours. I'll just wait until you're finished."

Blaine laughs softly.

"I won't take long."

"Good."

Kurt sits down on the bed, while Blaine does his business in the bathroom. His toothbrush remains in his mouth without purpose. He just stares at the wall. He hears the toilet flushing and the running of water as Blaine obviously washes his hands. He lets out a sigh and walks back to the bathroom.

"I'm going to shower. Why don't you have breakfast?"

"Great idea, baby. I'll see you upstairs then?"

"Sure."

Blaine disappears towards the kitchen upstairs and Kurt takes off his clothes once again. He closes the bathroom door, but doesn't lock it. It's kind of a rule his father made when he was little. No locking the bathroom door while showering, in case something happens. Burt seemed to be afraid he'd fall, knock himself unconscious and drown or something. Still, he kept the promise, so it was kind of natural for him to not lock the door in his father's house.

He takes another moment to judge his body. He is obviously fatter again. Stupid food. Stupid Carole. Stupid Christmas. Stupid Blaine.

No, he shouldn't blame anyone but himself. He is the one eating all that crap. He failed. Kurt. Not Blaine. Blaine didn't do anything wrong. Kurt knows his boyfriend is worried. He just can't let him know what he's doing.

His eyes sting, while he looks at his reflection. "Fucking pear shape." He mutters.

God, he wishes he had a different body. He wishes he could be pretty and thin. Or at least have muscles. Or a more male body. Why did he ever quit the Cheerios? It was at least something to keep him in shape. But, no, he had to be lazy and stupid. And this was his punishment. An ugly, misshaped, chubby, _wrong_body.

Softly cursing himself, he takes off the bandage. It isn't really dirty, so if he keeps it dry, he might be able to re-use it after his shower. Then he turns on the water, making sure it's hot – almost scalding. Maybe he could burn some fat away if the water is hot enough.

He hisses as the water hits his body. His legs feel weak and his bones are aching. Kurt closes his eyes, wishing he would just disappear already. His arms burns like hell when the water hits the cuts.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

He quickly pulls his arm out of the stream of water, tears stinging in his eyes. That hurt. A lot. He can't help but starting to cry softly. Why did everything have to be so messed up? Why is he still alive? Why is Blaine still with him?

Feeling completely broken, Kurt leans against the tiles. His entire body hurts, his arm even more. His stomach is growling, his hair is falling out and he's completely alone in this. Another sigh leaves his lips and he tries to relax underneath the hot water.

He's trying so hard, that he doesn't notice the bathroom door opening or Blaine slipping into the bathroom.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yay, cliffhanger! I'll try to update soon xD As you can guess, Kurt's secret won't be a secret for much longer.<br>**MadelineATL: Your bathroom mystery seems to be solved ~****


	7. Chapter 7: Blaine

**AN: So many new reviews! Aaah! *Throws with cookies* Just going to reply to some of you ~  
>ComeWhatMay-NOH8: Oh God, that is such a compliment. I'm sorry for the cliffhanger (and the update, almost 24 hours later xD)<br>I Am A Boss Zefron Poster: I just wanted to say I love your name. Period.  
>MadelineATL: God, yes, it burns like hell. Not my favorite hobby. At all.<br>Yesiamstragegetoverit: If only it was that easy ; - ;  
>LoLo98: Don't hate meeee! The truth is, I updated at 4am yesterday, so I was exhausted. I wanted to write a longer chapter, but I decided to just leave it like that. I hate cliffhangers so much, so I tried to update as soon as I got home again. I even wrote part of this chapter in the car xD<br>Winniepig461: I'm sorry! Thank you for reading, though!  
>ANYWAY! Blainers is going to be a good, little boyfriend. Prepare for cries, drama, comfort and some fluff.<strong>

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><p>Blaine finished his breakfast within a few bites. Yes, he had been hungry when he woke up. For a second he had panicked to find Kurt's spot in the bed empty, but then he heard a noise in the bathroom and when he walked up to check, the door was locked, meaning Kurt was inside. With a relieved sigh he asked the boy if he was almost done. Kurt looked a bit upset, but Blaine needed a toilet, so he had no time for conversation.<p>

When Kurt told him to eat and that he was going to shower, Blaine decided to give his boyfriend some space. There was no use in mistrusting everything Kurt said he was going to do. If he would ask for answers, he wouldn't get them.

But when after his breakfast, Kurt still hadn't appeared upstairs, Blaine started to worry. So he returned to Kurt's bathroom, the sound of the running shower audible from within the room. Blaine knows Kurt will probably not like it if he just walks into the room, while he's showering and vulnerable. But the truth is, Blaine is sure he won't get an opportunity like this again soon. He just wants to see Kurt. Is it bad to want to see and touch your boyfriend?

So he silently opens the door and slips into the bathroom. Kurt apparently doesn't notice him, because there is no one yelling or scowling at him. Because of the steam, Blaine is unable to see into the shower cabin, but he can see a figure inside that can't be anything or anyone else but Kurt.

He slips out of his clothes, lays a towel ready to use for when he gets out of the shower and quietly opens the door, slipping inside.

His eyes widen at the sight of Kurt's body. He doesn't know which part shocks him the most - the bones sticking out, the sickly pale skin or the pink and red lines covering his boyfriend's arms, chest, hips and upper legs. He looks nothing like the Kurt he's used to seeing. Well, the Kurt he used to see months ago. It was like his body was slowly disappearing.

"Oh my God, Kurt.."

"Oh, Jesus! What the fuck! Blaine!"

Kurt, who apparently had his eyes closed, is shrieking and cursing, sliding down to the floor, attempting to hide his body. He's looking up at Blaine, his eyes wide, scared and red, telling Blaine he's crying, even though that's hard to see with the water. His frail body is shaking uncontrollably. Blaine feels tears stinging in his eyes.

"Kurt.."

"Get the fuck out, Blaine."

"W-What?"

"Get out!"

Kurt is glaring at him, even though he's obviously still half in shock, embarrassed and in pain, he also looks furious. Blaine swallows almost audibly. Kurt was quite scary when he was angry. Luckily it was almost never directed to him. But he's not going to let Kurt intimidate him again. It's now or never.

He kneels down next to Kurt, so he's at the same level and can look him right in the eye.

"Kurt, what have you done?"

Kurt presses his lips together, sobs shaking through his body.

"Baby, talk to me. What is going on? Why are you so.. so.."

"Fat?"

"What? Are you kidding me? How-"

Suddenly realisation dawns on him. The barely eating, meal skipping, the lying, the hiding, the refusing to be touched. He can feel his heart breaking in his chest.

"Oh.. No.. God, no.. Kurt.. Why.. Why would you.. Oh, fuck.. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid!"

He wraps his arms around the trembling body, ignoring the pushing and scratching. It's like he's holding a scared kitten that is fighting to get free.

"Sht.. Kurt, baby, it's me. It's me. It's Blaine. It's okay. Everything's okay."

They're plain lies, because nothing is okay. Kurt is obviously a complete mess. He doesn't even know why he has scars and cuts all over his body, but Blaine is determined to fix his beautiful Kurt. The boy didn't deserve all this and Blaine feels like a complete, brainless retard for not figuring it out much sooner. The big clothes, Kurt locking himself away and refusing to eat, freezing in his embraces.. It was all so clear and he just didn't _see it_.

His words seem to help a bit, though. Kurt surrenders and stops clawing and pushing. Now he's practically clinging to Blaine, sobbing, unable to speak. Blaine can only hold his broken boyfriend close, trying to ignore the pain in his heart, at the obvious feeling of Kurt's ribs underneath his hands.

"Oh, Kurt.. My baby.. My beautiful Kurt.."

Blaine knows he's started to ramble, but he doesn't know what to say. He had no idea it was this bad. Of course, he was worried and everything. But he can't help but to think that if he would have paid more attention, he would have figured it out sooner and he could have helped Kurt, before he actually looked like he does now. He's holding Kurt, but not too tightly, afraid he will snap the fragile body in two if he adds too much pressure on it.

"Blaine, Blaine, I'm sorry.. I'm sorry for lying.. Don't cry, I'm fine, I'm fine.."

"Babe, you're not fine. You're not.. Oh God, this is my fault."

"Wha-What?"

"I haven't told you enough how beautiful and perfect you are and now you're hurting yourself like this.."

"I will be perfect, Blaine. I will be-"

"Kurt, no. No. You are perfect. Please, please, believe me."

"I wish I could, Blaine. But I can see my body, too."

Blaine doesn't know what to say. It's obvious Kurt won't let anything change his mind. So he just strokes the boy's body, in an attempt to comfort him.

"I'll fix you, baby. I promise. I'll fix you."

"Blaine.."

"Sht.."

Blaine closes his eyes, pressing soft kisses in Kurt's neck, trying to keep his broken boyfriend together, while he tries his hardest to stop crying himself.

* * *

><p>After a few minutes, Kurt's body has stopped trembling and his sobs have somewhat faded away. Blaine isn't crying anymore. His heart is still aching and he feels exhausted, but he's so happy to have Kurt in his arms after such a long time. Of course, the reason was fucked up, but he missed Kurt's body, even if he can barely recognize it right now.<p>

"Kurt, baby?"

"Y-Yeah?"

"We should get out, before they get worried."

Kurt nods and Blaine helps him get up. The pale boy is still trying to hide his body, so Blaine pulls him into another embrace, making sure Kurt knows he can't see his body, only hold it. To prove it even more, he closes his eyes, just holding the slightly taller boy, breathing in his scent.

"Let's get you dried and into clothes, baby. We still need to talk about this, but I know you're really vulnerable right now, so it can wait, okay?"

Kurt nods again and Blaine can feel the boy hiding his face into his shoulder. He opens his eyes and quietly starts to wash Kurt's hair, his eyes widening at the amount of hairs that are falling out as soon as he brushes his fingers through it. He keeps his mouth shut, though. He doesn't want to stress Kurt more than he already is.

When he finishes with Kurt's hair, he washes his own. Then he washes his body, while still holding Kurt with one arm. The other boy just remains still and silent.

"Kurt.. Can I..?"

".. Okay.."

Blaine smiles weakly and gently spreads the soap over Kurt's body, making sure he doesn't make any unexpected moves or touch too intimate parts. It's mainly to show Kurt he isn't disgusted by his body and still wants to touch him. He wants Kurt to feel safe around him – accepted. When he's done, he opens the shower and gets out.

"Take your time, I'm right here."

Kurt nods and gives him a little smile of gratitude. Blaine closes the door and dries himself off with his towel. He puts on clean clothes and gets some wide, warm clothes for Kurt from his closet. When he returns with the clothes, Kurt has left the shower and wrapped himself up in a big, fluffy towel, making him look even smaller. He looks up and smiles a bit awkwardly at Blaine. Blaine smiles back, before his face turns serious again.

"We should take care of those cuts.."

He takes a clean bandage and wraps it around Kurt's arm, after inspecting the wounds to make sure they are clean. When he's finished, he softly touches Kurt's cheek and kisses his lips. He takes a step back and hands him the clothes. Then he turns his back to Kurt, giving him some privacy.

"Blaine?"

"Hm?"

"You- You can look.. I think.."

Blaine's heart skips a beat, but he doesn't say anything. He turns around slowly, keeping his eyes on Kurt's face, while his boyfriend puts on his clothes with a slight blush on his face, still obviously trying to hide his body as much as possible, but Blaine knows this is a big step for Kurt.

When the other boy is dressed too, Blaine takes his hand and leads him back to the bedroom and onto the bed. There he lays Kurt down, before pulling him into another embrace – protecting him with his arms.

"Are you okay like this?"

"I will be."

"Take your time."

Silence.

"Blaine?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't tell anyone.."

"I- Er.."

"What?"

"I kind of talked to your dad yesterday.."

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><p><strong>AN: Yes, I love keeping you guys on the edge of your seat, though it doesn't take a genius to know Kurt is going to freak out and Blaine is in deep trouble. Thank you all for staying with me! I will try to write and update fast again xD<strong>


	8. Chapter 8: Kurt

**AN: Remember I promised to update yesterday? Yeah, me too. You guys probably won't believe me, but I had to help with a Quidditch match. Yeah, I'm also Harry Potter obsessed. Good thing is, we won. Bad thing? Well, yeah, I didn't get to update Perfect Porcelain. Sooo, let's make a deal. I'm going to update again, later today. So, that's two chapters on one day! How does that sound? Can I make it up to you like that?  
>I apologize for the new cliffhanger, but, let's be honest, you guys love some excitement. I know I do! And it wasn't as bad as the previous one, was it? I'm just going to end every chapter with a cliffhanger now. *Smirks*<br>Thank you all for your lovely reviews. I haven't seen any questions, so I'm just going to update, instead of wasting another 30 minutes on writing an Author Note xD  
>I'm sorry for making you guys cry, though. I have to admit I cried while writing Chapter 7. Anyway! Let's move on with Kurt! <strong>

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><p>Kurt doesn't know what to do or say, so he just keeps on staring at Blaine, before yelling "You did WHAT?"<p>

Blaine is shifting a bit awkwardly next to him, but as soon as he starts to try to get away from his boyfriend, Blaine pulls him back.

"Stay, baby. I can't help it, okay? I was worried and you wouldn't talk to me and I thought that maybe your father could help me, but Carole said-"

"You told CAROLE? What? Were Finn and Rachel there too? Have you just been talking about me behind my back to my family?"

"No, Kurt. No. I talked to Carole and your father and I didn't know what was going on at that time, so I didn't tell them anything. I only told them I was worried and that you don't eat, but I didn't know, Kurt.."

Kurt feels angry and scared, but also loved, because Blaine cares so much. He really doesn't know how he should feel about it. He just hopes his father doesn't know what he's actually doing. He doesn't want Burt to worry about him. Or Blaine, for that matter. But now his boyfriend was holding him, protecting him and he feels both better and worse. Now Blaine knows, he would make him eat. Kurt knows that for sure. He wouldn't get away with saying he ate something or that he doesn't feel well. He would have to get fat again.

Tears sting in his eyes. He worked so hard to achieve this weight and now everything was going to get ruined because of one weekend in Lima. He knows the only thing he can do to prevent things from getting even worse, is forcing Blaine to keep it a secret.

"You can't tell them, Blaine. I appreciate your concern, but I'll be fine on my own. I'm almost there. My father can't know about this. Do you understand? He has to watch his heart."

"Kurt, what you're doing is bad.."

"Like I don't know that. It's just until I'm _there_."

"Where?"

"My perfect weight."

"What's your perfect weight?"

"I'll see."

"If you ask me, you were at your perfect weight weeks ago. Right now, you're probably underweight."

"Barely."

"Even barely is too much."

Kurt groans, because Blaine just _doesn't understand_. But how could someone understand who had a nice, perfect body like Blaine? He doesn't need a diet or to eat healthy. The bastard could eat snacks all night, without gaining a pound. He grimaces at the thought of the greasy pizza Blaine likes to eat. If he would eat that, he'd gain so much, he'd be back to where he started or maybe even fatter.

"You don't understand." He says.

"You're right, babe. I don't. I don't understand how you could ruin your beautiful body and turn it into this.. unhealthy pile of bones. You're still gorgeous, but I can barely recognise you, Kurt."

Kurt flinches, because Blaine reaches up underneath his shirt to touch his chest. He forces himself to not hit his boyfriend so he can run away. His embrace is too tight and suddenly he feels as if he can't breathe.

"B-Blaine.."

"Sht.. I just want to feel your heart."

"What?"

"I'm so happy you're alive, Kurt. You're not healthy, but you're alive. And I will do everything I can to keep it that way."

"I'm not dying, Blaine."

"It's a slow suicide, Kurt."

"I'm fine."

"Stop lying!"

Kurt stares at Blaine, who is suddenly trembling with anger, his entire body tense. He barely sees his boyfriend angry, especially this angry. So he tried to calm him down, snuggling a bit closer and rubbing Blaine's back.

"Blaine, babe, calm down."

"No, Kurt. I'm not going to calm down."

Kurt's eyes widen with fear when Blaine actually shifts away from him.

"Blaine, don't leave-"

"You've been lying to me, Kurt. _For weeks_. Does that mean you're fine? Does that mean it's not bad? I don't think so. I think it proves how fucked up you are!"

He feels tears stinging in his eyes. Even though Blaine is right, he doesn't want to admit that. Also, Blaine shouldn't be yelling at him. He lied for Blaine. This was exactly what he thought would happen and now Blaine was going to leave him. But that wasn't fair, because he is getting perfect for Blaine and the boy didn't see that. He is doing this so Blaine won't leave him and now he's leaving anyway. Kurt doesn't understand.

"I love you and you're destroying yourself! Why would you do that to me, Kurt! You don't think we've been through enough already?"

"Blaine, I just-"

"You're so selfish, Kurt."

Kurt blinks. "W-What?"

"_Selfish_. For hurting me like this."

It hurts. It hurts so much. But Kurt also feels angry. Blaine had no right to talk. He already is perfect. Kurt is ugly and disgusting. And now Blaine was angry, while he doesn't know what it's like. So he actually slaps Blaine this time and when the boy brings his hand up to his cheek in surprise and confusion, Kurt rolls away and gets out of the bed.

"You have _no _fucking clue, Blaine. You don't know how I feel."

"Kurt, come back, right now!"

But Kurt races back to the bathroom and locks the door. He can't look at Blaine anymore. Stupid, perfect bastard. He doesn't understand at all. Blaine isn't chubby - he's muscled and tanned and beautiful. Kurt is not. Kurt is a pale, chubby, disgusting gay kid, who talks like a girl, half dresses like one and can't stay away from food, even though he should.

So he pulls up his sleeve, rips off the bandage that Blaine just applied with so much love and worry in his eyes and digs up the case in his bag. His sight is blurred with tears and loud sobs are almost choking him, but he has one goal.

"Kurt! KURT! Open the fucking door!"

He ignores it, the case in his hands now. He opens it and takes a cold razor between his fingers.

Cut.

"KURT, IF YOU DON'T UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW, I'M GETTING BURT!"

_'You do that, Blaine. It'll be too late by then. You can't save me. Look how selfish I am now_.' Cut. Cut. Cut.

"Kurt! Fuck, _I love you_!"

There's a sound at the lock of the door and Kurt freezes in his actions. What is Blaine doing? He stares at his wrist, tears streaming down. He doesn't really want to die, but he wouldn't survive Blaine leaving him, after he tried so hard to be perfect for him. So he presses the metal against a vein and-

BANG! With a loud crash, the door flies open and within a few seconds, Kurt is on the floor, Blaine on top of him. He drops the razor in surprise and Blaine grabs it and throws it in the toilet, instantly flushing. Before Kurt can understand what's happening, Blaine has him pulled up in his arms. It takes a while before he realises he's shaking because Blaine is shaking.

"Kurt, oh God. What the hell, babe.. Oh my God.."

Blaine is crying and Kurt can only stare at him in shock, until Blaine pulls him against his body and his scent is all around Kurt. He shivers and closes his eyes, while Blaine is sobbing almost uncontrollably, holding him tightly.

"Blaine..?"

"Don't ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me, Kurt. Oh God. What were you thinking? Why would you leave me like that?"

"I'm selfish, right?"

"Kurt, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just.. It's so much to understand and I don't think I can, it's so much. Just.. Don't do that, Kurt. Don't try to leave me."

Now Kurt starts to cry too and he's mumbling incoherent words, with sometimes an 'I'm sorry', 'Blaine' or 'I love you' in between. He's so terribly confused, but he missed Blaine's arms around him. So he clings to the younger boy until he's calmed down a bit.

"How- how did you get in?"

Blaine smiles weakly. Kurt thinks he's also blushing a bit.

"I used to break open the lock on the cookie jar when I was younger. Drove my mother insane."

Kurt chuckles softly, because it's so Blaine and who thought Blaine's craving for cookies would ever save his life?

"Kurt?"

"Yes?"

"I really love you. I didn't lie when I said I would fix you. Don't give up on me or yourself, babe. I'm so sorry. It just got too much and I know there's no excuse that can change what I said, but it just makes me so angry that you don't know how beautiful and perfect you are. You've always been perfect, Kurt. Please, promise me you'll never do this again.."

Kurt remains silent, because he isn't sure if he can promise that. The idea had crossed his mind several times the last few weeks and just now he was barely thinking. He's scared he will lose it one day and he doesn't want to break a promise to Blaine.

"I don't know if I can, Blaine."

"Well, at least you're honest.."

"I'm sorry."

Blaine shakes his head and crushes Kurt's lips. For the first time in months, it's not a simple kiss. It's passionate, desperate, breathtaking. They're making out like they used to and Kurt feels his heart flutter in his chest, because he missed this so much. He missed Blaine's arms around him and his lips and, _God_, his tongue..

There's a cough and Kurt pulls away, while quickly pulling down his sleeve, grateful that the razor is no where in sight.

"Dad.."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yay for cockblock Burt! So, yeah, I'll try to write the next chapter today, though I have to leave in a bit again for another therapy session.<strong>


	9. Chapter 9: Blaine

**(Short)AN: Here's your second chapter for today! I could keep my promise xD Enjoy! I'm loving Blainers. And Kurt, of course.  
>No reviews yet, so I have barely anything to say xD Here goes nothing! <strong>

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><p>Blaine freezes against Kurt's body, when he hears his boyfriend say "Dad." Great. Burt probably heard him kicking the door open.<p>

Luckily, Kurt has already pulled down his sleeve. He's not sure how much more drama he can handle in one day. Besides, he wants to discuss the cutting with Kurt before he talks to Burt. Maybe he can even make the boy stop, so he doesn't have to tell Burt at all.

"Kurt, Blaine, what is going on here? I heard a bang and I thought something fell or exploded or whatever you kids are doing."

"Dad, we're fine. I was in the bathroom and I couldn't get the door open. I'll have to check the lock. Anyway, Blaine forced the door open, because I was getting claustrophobic and that's the noise you heard."

Blaine stares at Kurt, who lies so easily to his father and it even sounds convincing. No lame excuse like 'I fell over the threshold.'. It's scary how good Kurt is at lying, though. He feels a bit less stupid about not noticing what's wrong with the boy.

Burt is glaring at the two boys, but then his expression softens.

"I was just worried, kiddo. I'm glad you two are okay. Though I don't get why you need to make out on the floor, after getting locked up in the bathroom."

Kurt blushes and looks at the floor. Blaine clears his throat.

"Well, we're young and.."

"I get it, I get it. Sexual desire and such, hmm? Spare me the details, Blaine."

Blaine smiles and he can see a small smile on Kurt's lips, even though he's still looking down. He gets up and pulls Kurt up too, back into his arms.

"Kurt got really upset. That's why I had to kick the door in. I hope I didn't kill the lock, even though it wasn't working properly anymore, apparently."

Kurt nods and hides his face in Blaine's chest, while Blaine looks at Burt. The man smiles a bit awkwardly and gives him a nod.

"Everything okay with Kurt?" He says a bit softer, obviously referring to their conversation of last night.

Blaine hesitates and then nods.

"He's just stressed and tired. I'm sorry for worrying you. I'll take care of him. Is breakfast ready?"

Kurt flinches slightly, but Blaine gives him a soft squeeze. Burt nods.

"You two better hurry. Finn is eating all the pancakes."

"We can't let that happen, now, can we, Kurt?"

Kurt makes a soft noise and Blaine pets his back.

"That's what I thought. We'll be up in a minute." He tells Burt.

Burt smiles at him and turns around, moving back upstairs, leaving Blaine with a trembling, scared Kurt.

"Babe? I'm going to help you eat, okay? We're going to eat the same amount of food. That way you will see it's okay and not too much."

"But our bodies are different, Blaine."

"Sht.. I'm going to help you, okay? Trust me, baby. Please? I won't tell anyone, I will look things up to see how I can help you best, I will sign you up for therapy, I'll do anything."

Kurt looks up at him, tears visible in his eyes. Blaine tilts his head, confused.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I love you. You believe that, right?"

"Yes.."

"So I want the best for you. You need to trust me with this, alright? I think you're gorgeous and I will never think you're not perfect. But this.."

He softly moves his arms so they're around Kurt's thin waist. The pale boy freezes slightly, but doesn't pull away.

"This is _bad_, Kurt. You're too thin. I know you can't see it, I don't know why, but I'll show you how beautiful you are. So, when you get better, you'll feel stupid for ever doubting your perfection."

"Okay.."

"Good. Now, let's have some pancakes before Finn eats them all. You like pancakes, right?"

"I- I do."

"Of course you do. Who doesn't? Not Finn."

Kurt smiles and Blaine takes his hand.

"_Together._"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

><p>The eating goes alright. Blaine has to feed Kurt a few bites when Finn has left the kitchen or when Rachel isn't looking, because the boy is really scared to eat, but he doesn't mind. He said he'd do anything to help Kurt, so he will keep that promise.<p>

He eats as much as Kurt, even though he's still quite hungry after one and a half pancake, while he already ate breakfast before that, but he's not complaining – anything is better than nothing. After they finish eating, Blaine notices that Kurt looks tired, so he takes him back to Kurt's room, after excusing himself to Carole.

"Get some sleep, babe."

He lays Kurt down, who protests slightly, but can't hide a yawn.

"_Blainey_, it's so cold.."

Blaine smiles and gets into bed behind Kurt, pulling him into a spooning position, while nuzzling his nose into his boyfriend's neck, taking in his scent.

"Hmm.. You smell good."

"You should.. wash my hair.. more often.."

Blaine chuckles softly, because Kurt sounds so cute, already half asleep. He decides not to talk anymore. It doesn't take long before Kurt's breathing has evened out. He stays like that for a bit longer, but then gets up again, quietly getting his laptop out of his bag.

As soon as he types in Kurt's symptoms, one word is suddenly all over his screen.

_**Anorexia Nervosa **_

Blaine stares at the word, curses it, takes a deep breath and clicks the first link. Wikipedia should do it. He starts to read and feels himself getting sicker at every word. Why did Kurt feel like this? How could that have happened to someone as brave and _beautiful _like his boyfriend?

_'__An __eating disorder __characterized by excessive weight loss, and irrational fear of gaining weight and distorted body self-perception.'_

'_Has many complicated implications and may be thought of as a lifelong illness __that may never be truly cured__, but only managed over time.'_

'_Is characterized by low body weight, inappropriate eating and obsession with thin figure.'_

He tries to swallow, but soon he's crying again. It looks so complicated and he still doesn't understand half of it. He looks up a few clinics, but it looks so depressing, that Blaine clicks it away again. No, he would fix Kurt without all the medication and therapy sessions.

Blaine closes his laptop and curls up behind Kurt again, his arm wrapped around the boy's waist. He closes his eyes, breathing in the addictive scent again, deciding he _should_wash Kurt's hair more often, even if it's just an excuse to shower with him soon again.

"_I'll fix you. I promise_."

He presses a soft kiss onto Kurt's shoulder and dozes off to sleep, exhausted after all the stress and crying.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hope you liked my chapter-that-doesn't-end-with-a-cliffhanger ~<strong>


	10. Chapter 10: Kurt

**AN: I'm so sorry it took so long for me to update. Rough weekend. I was also at my mother's and I forgot to send the chapter to my mail, so I could only continue writing, but not get everything together to upload.  
><em>Winniepig461<em>: It's meant to be different. ED's aren't cured, just because someone loves you and tells you you're beautiful. I miss that part in most fics and it makes it unrealistic. Doesn't make me love them less, though.  
><em>Sunday morning on saturday: <em>I'm sorry I make you cry so much ; - ;  
><em>AngelisIgniRelucent: <em>It is very personal to me, yes.. I'm experiencing both sides at once. So my reactions aren't as naive as Blaine's, but I know what it's like to have someone you love struggling with an eating disorder.  
><em>KittyKax: <em>Ahw!  
><em>CaseyChimera: <em>Still going to keep it realistic, though. Blaine will find out soon enough that he can't do this alone.**

**So, we're back to Kurt's disordered mind. The usual trigger warnings count. Here we go!**

* * *

><p><strong><strong>When Kurt wakes up, Blaine is practically curled around his body, his arms and legs wrapped around him. He feels slightly suffocated, but since it's Blaine, he feels kind of okay with it. It's strange to be close to Blaine again, after quite a long time. Of course, a month isn't that long, but it feels like that, because before that they used to be all over each other. Or at least holding hands, staring at each other, things like that. But he doesn't feel comfortable when Blaine looks at him now. He's afraid his boyfriend will see everything that's wrong with his body, laugh at him and leave. He knows Blaine wouldn't do that, but he can't get it out of his head. So he's happy he's wearing a big sweater and sweatpants.

He looks at his watch and notices it's three in the afternoon. His stomach growls and he tries to ignore it. He's unable to escape from Blaine's embrace anyway.

He closes his eyes again and tries to get back to sleep. It's a good excuse to not have to eat something, which he probably does if he wakes up Blaine now. But he can't sleep. His body is aching and he actually wants to go for a short walk, to get some fresh air. So he attempts to untangle himself from Blaine, without waking up his boyfriend. Which proves to be impossible.

"Hmm.. Kurt? _Whattareyadoin'_?"

"Nothing, honey. Just go back to sleep, alright?"

"Hn.. No.. Kurtie.."

Kurt sighs and gets out of bed. He's a bit wobbly on his feet, but he ignores it, together with the sleepy protests from Blaine. He shuffles to the bathroom, glares at his image in the mirror and starts to pack his stuff. They would travel back to New York after dinner - something Kurt is planning to skip, but that's not relevant. At all.

"Kurt?"

Blaine's sleepy face shows up in the mirror, his curls are a complete mess, but it's the hairstyle Kurt adores most on his boyfriend. A small smile appears on his lips at the sight.

"Morning, you."

"Hey.."

There's a silence, before Kurt is wrapped up in Blaine's arms again, his body radiating a heat that Kurt desperately needs, because, God, he's always so damn cold.

"Show me your arm, baby."

It's a gentle command and Kurt trembles slightly, while he slowly pulls up his sleeve. There's bloodstains in the fabric, which Kurt tries to ignore. Blaine is already getting supplies to clean his wounds.

"Why, baby?"

Kurt hisses when the alcohol hits the wound, the stings sending tears to his eyes.

"Fuck.."

"Why, Kurt?"

Kurt is silent for a moment. He doesn't exactly know why. It had just turned into a habit in the last few months. Before, he had only scratched himself. First his nails, then sharper objects, until the scratches turned into cuts, the objects into razorblades that he got out of his razors. It was so easy to hide. Just long sleeve were enough.

"Because I hate myself."

His voice is barely a whisper and Blaine doesn't instantly reply, silently cleaning the cuts on Kurt's arm and wrist. Kurt guesses he doesn't even know what to say. He knows he sounds pathetic. People were being melodramatic all the time. But he actually means it. He doesn't know if that makes a difference, though.

"I could never hate you, Kurt."

It's a reply he didn't expect, but it goes straight to his heart. He doesn't deserve Blaine and that's exactly why he was going to lose him.

"I don't want to eat anymore, Blaine."

"I know, baby. But you have to. I'm going to make you better."

Kurt smiles, but he doesn't know if it's because he's grateful or because Blaine is so naive.

* * *

><p>When it's time for dinner, Kurt plans to pretend he's eating. He can't make the same mistake as the days before. The annoying thing is that Blaine will be watching him now.<p>

The poor guy has no idea that Kurt doesn't even want to get better.

So when Carole puts food on his plate, Kurt smiles at her, thanks her and starts to cut everything into pieces. And smaller pieces. And even smaller pieces. From the corner of his eye he watches Blaine, who soon seems to get bored watching him assault his food and is distracted by Rachel who talks about her newest musical role.

He stuffs a quite large amount of food in his mouth and then accidentally on purpose knocks over his glass of water onto his plate. With a muffled - and very well acted, thank you very much - shriek, he stares at his clothes and runs off to the toilet. He locks the door and spits out all the food he's been holding in his mouth. Then, he uses water to make some wet spots on his sweater and pants, so it looks as if he washed some stains out.

It was so easy to use his habits against them.

He returns to the table with an apologetic smile on his face.

"I'm sorry. I got some stains on my clothes."

Carole nods.

"It's okay, sweetie. Do you want a new plate?"

"Not needed. I'm pretty full."

"Alright, honey. Could you help me clean up in the kitchen?"

"I'd love to."

Mission: zero calories  
>Completed.<p>

It hurts a bit to continue fooling Blaine, but his boyfriend still doesn't understand. When the boy kisses his cheek and says he's proud of him for eating, he simply smiles at him.

_Don't let anyone know your filthy tricks. Don't let anyone get in your way to perfection. They don't know what it's like to be so damn imperfect._

After cleaning up, they travel back to their own place in New York. Kurt is glad to be home. It was so much easier to fool one person instead of five. Even though Blaine knows now and will probably keep an eye on him, he wasn't with him 24/7. Kurt has school and work, so does Blaine. He only needs to find a way to get out of dinner and then it's perfect again.

* * *

><p>"Hello? Kurt?"<p>

Kurt presses the phone against his ear, a smile on his face.

"Hey, babe. I just wanted to let you know I'll be home later. I'm working on the project with the people of my group. I'll probably be back around eleven."

"Er.. Okay.. What about dinner?"

"We'll be ordering pizza. Don't worry."

"Don't let the others eat everything."

"I won't."

"Alright.. I love you."

"Love you too, babe. Bye."

Before Blaine gets a chance to say anything else, Kurt ends the call. He didn't exactly lie when he said he wouldn't let the others eat everything. Because there are no others. Kurt is alone. At the gym. He's determined to get rid off the pounds he gained at Christmas. And a lot more.

It's about three weeks later and up until now Blaine has been force-feeding him at dinner. Kurt accepted a few bites every now and then, before complaining he wasn't a baby and he could finish his own meal, taking the plate with him to lock himself up in the bedroom once again. Of course, the food would end up in the trashcan or the toilet, never even having touched his lips.

People are staring at him. Kurt knows why. They wonder why such a fat-ass hasn't come before. Kurt wonders the same. But then he remembers muscles make you look bigger too. That's not what he wants. He wants to disappear. He wants to be tiny and frail so people protect him. So Blaine can never leave him. It's selfish, but he just feels so unhappy in his big, fat body..

So he starts with running. That shouldn't give him too many muscles. He starts slowly, to get into the rhythm and movements, then he turns up the speed of the treadmill. It doesn't take long until he can't feel his legs anymore. His heart is beating on top speed, pounding in his throat, making him nauseous. He gets stings in his waist, his chest, his head. But he keeps on running. Half the room is staring at him, sweat is sliding down his fat body. Disgusting, but a good sign.

His vision is getting blurry and he tries to concentrate on the music his earphones are blasting into his ears. The whole room disappears. The whole world is gone. It's a white, blurry mess with a few colors that are blending together.

He doesn't know if his shoelaces got loose or if the music had the wrong beat, but he trips and rolls onto the hard, freezing cold floor. Maybe he hit his head, maybe it's because he can't breathe. He hears buzzing that's either his blood pumping through his veins or the voices of the people who come running towards him. In slow motion, but they're still there way too fast for Kurt to comprehend. He thinks someone asks if he's okay. He wants to open his mouth and say he's fine, but he feels so far away, and he can't yell, because he feels so _weak_.

"Blaine.."

_Everything goes black._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Keep reviewing! I love every single one of them!<strong>


	11. Chapter 11: Blaine

**AN: Thank you for the reviews! I'm trying to update quicker again xD  
><em>ComeWhatMay-NOH8<em>: They're going to work on it!  
><em>bow ties-coffee dates-duets<em>: Thank you! Hope this update is soon enough!  
><em>StormsInNeverland<em>: Oh my God, thank you ; - ; Like I said, I know both sides, so I get Kurt's stubbornness and Blaine's anger and- Aaah, I just can't xD I love writing them. They're both so lovely. I just want to wrap them up in a blanket, naked, let them have some fluff and sex and make them all better, but Kurt is really sick, oh God..**

**We're baaack to Blaine!**

* * *

><p>Eating by yourself isn't fun. But Blaine is glad that Kurt isn't alone and will eat pizza with the people from his project group. He feels a bit cruel for forcing his boyfriend to eat every day, but it's needed. He's certain that Kurt is getting better already. They're kind of eating together again at dinner. So, to celebrate, he ordered himself a pizza too. It's perfect food to eat by yourself or with friends. Actually, you could always eat pizza. Every day.<p>

The doorbell rings and Blaine skips to the door, happily taking the pizza. He pays for it and curls up on the couch. It's a bit weird to be home alone. The whole decoration is Kurt, though. So he doesn't feel too alone.

He puts on an old Disney movie and chews contently on his pizza. He misses Kurt, but soon he's caught up in the movie. He sings along with the songs and practically mouths the words along with the dialogues. Maybe he should find a new hobby.

He's about halfway the movie and just finished with his pizza, when his phone goes off. With a frown, he eyes the clock. It's 11:30pm. He wonders where Kurt is. The caller ID is unknown.

"Kurt?"

"Mr. Anderson?"

"Er.. Yes? Who's this?"

"My name is doctor Marcus from Lenox Hill Hospital. Do you know a Mr. Kurt Hummel?"

"Yes, Kurt's my boyfriend.. Is he okay?"

"You were given as his emergency contact. Your boyfriend was brought in about half an hour ago. He collapsed in the gym."

"The gym? How is that possible? He wasn't even there. Are you sure?"

"Why else would I have your number, Mr. Anderson?"

Blaine stares at the wall, his mind almost completely blank and a chaos at the same time.

"Mr. Anderson?"

"Y-Yeah. How.. How is he?"

"He's stable. I just hoped you could come over. I think we need to talk about private matters."

Blaine blinks and nods, before he remembers he's on the phone and the doctor can't see him.

"Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'm on my way."

"Thank you. Just ask for me at the desk, alright?"

"O-Okay.. Thank you.. Bye."

Blaine ends the call and stares at his phone for a bit.

"_Kurt. What are you doing?"_

* * *

><p>Luckily the hospital is rather close. Blaine parks his car and walks inside. He hates hospitals, but then again, probably everyone does. He walks up to the desk. The woman looks at him with a friendly smile, her glasses seem too big for her face, making her eyes look huge.<p>

"Can I help you, sweetie?"

"Er.. Yes.. I'm here for my boyfriend. I had to ask for doctor Marcus?"

The woman's smile fades slightly as he mentions a boyfriend. Great, homophobic people at the hospital. She picks up her phone and presses a number to dial.

"What's your name?"

"Anderson. Blaine Anderson."

The woman nods and puts the phone to her ear.

"Hello? Yes.. Mr. Anderson is here to see you... Alright."

She puts down the phone again and waves at some chairs.

"You can wait there. The doctor is on his way."

Blaine nods and let's himself sink down onto one of the uncomfortable, plastic chairs. His body is trembling slightly. He has an idea of what the doctor wants to talk about. They had obviously seen Kurt's body. He hopes no one will get angry at him. He tried to make Kurt eat. Hadn't it been enough? What was Kurt doing at the gym in the first place? He was supposed to be at someone else's place, eating pizza and working on his project.

"Blaine Anderson?"

Blaine looks up and gives the doctor a small smile.

"Yeah, that's me."

The man reaches out his hand and Blaine stands up and shakes it. He tries to ignore the hospital smell that makes him feel sick.

"My name is doctor Marcus. Come with me, please. We'll find a private place to talk."

Blaine nods, slightly confused and scared. He has no idea what's going on with Kurt and he actually wants to see his boyfriend. He follows the doctor up some stairs and through a labyrinth of hallways.

"Can I see Kurt?"

"You can, but only during visiting hours. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow to see him."

"Please.. I need to-"

"I understand, Mr. Anderson. But I have to stick to the rules."

Blaine bites his bottom lip and nods, following the doctor into a room. There's a desk with chairs on both sides. He guesses it's a room for conversations with patients and family. The doctor sits down on the chair behind the desk and puts down some papers.

"Please, sit down."

Blaine carefully takes place in the chair opposite the doctor. His eyes scan the papers, but the handwriting is difficult to read. He looks back at the man.

"Are you cold?"

Blaine didn't notice he's shivering. His body is still trembling and his face is a bit pale.

"What? Oh. No. No.. I'm just.. I'm just worried."

"So am I, Blaine."

The doctor smiles at him and Blaine tries his hardest not to look away.

"Are you aware of your partner's.. condition?"

"His.. His eating disorder? Yes.. I found out a few weeks ago. I've been trying to make him eat. I thought he was getting better. I don't understand. Why was he at the gym?"

"Where did he tell you he was?"

"He said he'd be with his study group. At someone's place. They- They would order pizza.."

"Did he give you a name?"

"No.. No, he didn't.."

"No solid alibi then?"

"Alibi? I.. I guess not."

The doctor nods and Blaine feels like a complete idiot again. He should have asked for more information. Kurt was an expert at lying. He just believed him, because he wanted to trust Kurt. After those three weeks, everything seemed to go better. He thought Kurt was honestly going along with Blaine's efforts to get him healthy again.

"He went to the gym. According to eyewitnesses, he was on the treadmill for a while, until he passed out. You know Kurt is underweight, right?"

"I.. I don't know.. He looks underweight, but I don't know his weight.. I haven't seen his body for weeks, either.."

Blaine feels terrible. He knows he should have read more into it, paid more attention to Kurt's health, checked his weight and made sure he was eating and gaining.

"You realize how complicated eating disorders are, I hope? Looking at his body state, your boyfriend is already way too far into it to recover without professional help. I want to look at his options, if you agree."

"O-Okay.."

Blaine feels sick. This is way more serious than he thought. Yes, Kurt looks more like a skeleton than a human being. But he thought he was doing the right thing..

"Of course, Kurt has to agree too. It's voluntarily. We can't force him into treatment, unless his condition is critical. I was hoping you could help talking to him. Making him understand it's needed. In his current state, he probably doesn't want any help. We just need to make clear that he can't go on like this."

"Critical?"

Blaine voice is barely a whisper. Critical? He meant.. Dying? That was stupid. Kurt wouldn't die like that, would he? His Kurt was stronger than that, wasn't he?

"If he loses too much weight, it's possible he will die. His immune system gets weaker too, from the lack of vitamins and food. He'll get sick easily, because he's not strong enough to protect himself from any illnesses."

Blaine nods, scared and angry. Why was Kurt doing this to himself. He thought they were happy. They finally escaped from Ohio, moved to New York. They had studies and jobs and _each other_. Kurt had no reason to feel ugly or unwanted. Blaine wants Kurt more than anything. Did he do something wrong? Did he really not tell Kurt enough times how beautiful he thinks the boy is? How happy he is to have Kurt in his life?

"I.. I'll help talk to him.."

The doctor nods.

"Very well, let me show you some suggestions for clinics."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry. That was a lot of talking and less feelings. *Pets Blaine* It'll be okay, Blainers!<strong>


	12. Chapter 12: Kurt

**AN: Again, thank you for the reviews! They mean so much to me. I can't even.  
><em>Sunday morning on saturday: <em>Go you! No crying! I'm sorry if this chapter makes you tear up again. It's Kurt. And Kurt thinks he's fine. Except he's not.**

Usual trigger warnings for this chapter. You know the deal. No major triggers, though. I love you guys!

* * *

><p><em>Beeping.<em> There's a beeping sound. There's muffled voices. There's coughing and moaning, talking and beeping. Kurt tries to open his eyes, but he's scared. His head hurts, but he feels like he's floating. At least his stomach feels empty.

Slowly he peels open his eyes, bright, white light hitting his poor, hurting eyes, sending more pain shots through his already hurting head. He feels cold, he's covered with a way too thin blanket, that doesn't smell like Blaine. It's doesn't even smell like him. It smells like chemicals and medicine and _aliens_.

He blinks once and slowly lifts his arm. It's like his arm isn't a part of his body. It feels heavy and unfamiliar and weak. He can see the cuts, the fat and a needle. Kurt blinks. Why were they dripping fluid into his body? Panic starts to take over. What was in that bag? What were they pumping into his veins? Where the hell is he? Where is Blaine? Blaine has to come and get him. He's scared.

He slowly lifts up the blanket and looks down. He's not wearing a big sweater. He's not wearing any of his own clothes. There's an ugly, thin hospital gown where his oversized sweater should be. There are no pants to be found. At least he's still wearing his underwear, even though Kurt has no idea how long he's been here, so he wishes he could put on something clean.

He doesn't like that they undressed him without him knowing. Not one bit. Where is he? Who took off his clothes? Where did they leave his perfect, big sweater? _Where is Blaine?_

He shrieks when he hears a snore next to him. His voice doesn't sound like his own, though. It's raw and weak. Just like his body. When he turns his head, he can only see a curtain. He wonders who is sleeping there that he's not allowed to see. Or maybe they weren't allowed to see him. Poor, weak, fat, little Kurt. They probably didn't even want to see him. Disgusting, stupid pig. Poor little Kurt Hummel, who starves himself and cuts his skin open, so he can feel something. Trying to cut out the fat and the demons and the misery. Cut out his feelings, his fear, his thoughts, _his life_.

He looks around the room and realizes he's in a hospital. He doesn't remember getting here or why someone brought him here. Oh, right, he fell at the gym, while he was trying to make the fat disappear. Melt. Fall off his body. Turn into sweat and slide away. He's fine. He was just a bit dizzy. Why did they interrupt him? _Where is Blaine?_

His eyes search for the call button. With some difficulty, he raises his arm, reaches out and uses all his strength to press the button. He looks at the monitor next to his bed. He's connected to it with many weird wires. He wants them off. The stickers are cold on his skin. He wants to shower. He probably smells from the sweat he created at the gym.

"You called? Oh, Mr. Hummel. You're awake. That's good to see."

Apparently a young nurse has walked into the room. She moves too fast for Kurt to progress. He wants to yell at her to slow down, but he wants to save his voice for more important things.

"Where is Blaine?"

"Honey, I don't know who Blaine is, but visiting hours haven't started yet. I'm afraid you'll have to wait a bit. Let's go through your files, alright?"

Kurt blinks. No. That isn't alright. She didn't answer his question. He wants to know where Blaine is. He only wants to see Blaine.

"You were brought in yesterday, 11pm, after you passed out in the gym, do you remember that?"

"Yes.."

Damn. His voice sounds even more terrible than usual. It's not just high, it's squeaky and unlike his own voice.

"Alright, that's good. So, when you were brought in, you were slightly conscious, but we decided to give you something to sleep. You probably fell asleep between 11:30 and 12. We moved you to this room, changed you and checked if nothing was damaged after your fall. You seem to be fine, apart from being obviously underweight. After visiting hours, we will continue our check up. Then we will weight you."

Kurt's eyes widen. The beeping from the monitor speeds up.

"No! No, please, I'm fine. I just want to go home. You don't have to weight me, please."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Hummel. You can't refuse. Your condition is serious, so we need the information. We'll keep it private, if that's what you wish, but the hospital needs to know the details."

Kurt doesn't agree. Not at all. He doesn't want strangers seeing and touching his body. He doesn't want to be tested or weighted or monitored. He wants that IV needle out of his hand, because it itches and it hurts when he moves his arm. He wants to go home, get back into his safe sweaters and be held by Blaine until he falls asleep. Hospitals remind him of his mother. And his father's heart attack. Of Blaine needing to get surgery for his eye. It reminds him of death and pain. _He needs to get out._

"I'm fine. I want to go home."

His voice is shaking and weak, but he tries to keep his face as blank as possible. He can't show any emotion, because they'll lock him up and the demons will take over his head. He'll have to eat, but he can't allow that because he can't throw up. He tried several times after forced-dinner-with-Blaine. He only ended up crying, coughing and just as swollen and fat as before he forced his fingers down his throat.

"I'm afraid you have to stay until we've found a place for you."

"A place? I have an apartment. I live with Blaine. I'm fine. I want to go home. Please, get those things off."

The nurse shakes her head.

"I'm sorry, I can't do that. I need permission from the doctor and we still need your measurements. Visiting hours are starting in a minute, so I'll let you be. Call if you need anything."

She gestures at the call button and walks out of the room again. Kurt feels terrified, sick and vulnerable. They saw his body. They knew. They wouldn't let him go. His lies were pointless. They saw right through his fat, into his head. He is doomed.

* * *

><p>"<em>Kurtie?<em>"

The voice sounds small and childish and scared, but he recognizes it anyway.

"Blaine?"

Blaine walks into the room, clutching his bag to his chest. He looks tired and worried. Kurt can just feel his boyfriend hasn't had any sleep at all. A wave of guilt hits him. If he wasn't so weak, he wouldn't have passed out. He wouldn't be here.

The slightly shorter boy shuffles into the room and takes place on the chair next to Kurt's bed. He looks pale and a bit nervous. His eyes scan the room - curious, but sad. His gaze stops at the machine that's attached to Kurt. The boy blinks and returns his attention to Kurt.

"Kurtie.. What- How are you feeling?"

Kurt blinks. He doesn't understand why Blaine keeps calling him the pet name, or why Blaine is so calm. Why he isn't yelling at him. Why his first question isn't 'Why did you lie to me?' or 'Why were you at that gym?' or maybe 'Why are you so stupid?'

He swallows and shrugs.

"My head hurts a bit. My whole body does, actually. I just want to go home. Please, take me home, Blaine."

Blaine looks sad and he shakes his head. He starts to take folders out of his bag. They look like brochures.

"Are we going on vacation, Blaine?"

"No, baby."

"What are those?"

Blaine takes a deep breath and locks his eyes with Kurt. He puts the brochures down on the small nightstand and takes Kurt's hand in his. Blaine's hands are warm, but slightly colder than usual.

"They're brochures for clinics. The doctors say.. I think it's best if you- They'll help you get better, Kurt."

It takes a few minutes for Kurt to understand what Blaine is saying. Clinics? Get better? Wait, he was being admitted to _a clinic_? Why?

"Blaine, I don't understand.."

"You're sick, Kurt. Really sick. What happened last night, shouldn't have happened and it can't happen again. Do you understand? If you want to get in shape by sporting, I won't hold you back. It's healthy. But you can't run on an empty stomach, while you're already underweight. You saw what happened, babe. I don't want to get any more calls of you passing out somewhere, while I don't even know where you are."

Kurt shakes his head and squeezes Blaine's hand.

"I'm fine, Blaine. I was stupid last night, but I promise I'll eat before I work out next time. Please, don't send me away. I just want to go home with you."

He's about to cry and his voice breaks slightly. He doesn't want to be fed until he's back to his old, 'healthy' (disgusting) weight. He didn't do all of this for nothing!

"Sht.. Baby.. I don't- I'm not trying to- I'm not sending you away, Kurt. I want you to get better and I can't do that by myself. I need you to be strong, okay? You need to agree, because they can't force you. I can't force you. But, please, do this for us. I can't watch you die. I'm no professional, Kurt. I thought I could fix you, but I don't know enough. These people can help you."

Blaine is crying and Kurt feels awful. He tries to get up, but his body won't work.

"Blainey.. Don't cry.. I'm fine."

"Stop lying, Kurt. That only makes it worse. Look, I get that you honestly believe you need to do all this shit to yourself. I don't know why, because you're fucking beautiful, but I know it's what the disease does to you. You're lying to yourself. And you just have to stay until you can think healthy again. Okay? For me."

Kurt nods. He's not really agreeing, but he wants Blaine to stop crying. He wants to do something right.

"Okay.."

Blaine smiles through his tears, grabbing Kurt's hand tighter.

"Really? Oh, Kurt. Thank you.. Thank you.."

The boy carefully pulls Kurt into a hug, trying to avoid getting stuck in the wires. When he pulls away, he picks up the brochures again.

"Let's look at these, okay? I want you to pick a place you agree on. It has to look nice, so you'll feel a bit more at home. I'll help you, Kurt. Let's get you better, okay?"

Kurt nods and Blaine helps him sit up, giving him the first brochure.

"Tell me what you think."

Kurt sighs and turns the first page.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Blainers, you so adorable. Kurt, I just wanna slap you and then hug you. All the feels ; - ;<br>Let me know your thoughts again! **


	13. Chapter 13: Blaine

**AN: Oh my God, so many lovely reviews! I feel spoiled xD I'm just gonna reply on some again ^^  
><em>Sunday morning on saturday<em>: Screw dignity. Yes, I believe Kurt is very sensitive to how other people see him. Especially the people close to him, like Blaine and Burt. I mean, he even tried to be straight for his father ; - ;  
><em>ExotikaHollow1379<em>: Good question! I've been thinking about this too and I think I'll use Kurt's time in the clinic (conversations with therapists and such), to look into the beginning of it all. I wanted to add some flashbacks at first, but if they were random, it wouldn't make sense, because technically, this fic is happening in the present time. So I think I'll add this thing in his therapy. Also, I think it's mainly progressing insecurity. Kurt is pretty likely to hate himself, after all the bullying and such. I think it's just gotten worse, until he came to the point of wanting to change for Blaine. But I'll definitely get into the cause of Kurt's current state, though!  
><em>ComeWhatMay-NOH8<em>: I know right. Kurt has no idea why Blaine is so upset, but he's willing to pretend he wants to get better to see Blaine smile again. Honestly, he doesn't even believe he's sick at all. Silly Kurt, open your eyes!**

**Everyone else: Thank you! I still believe this story gets way more attention than it deserves, but I'm not complaining!**

**This chapter will be mainly a slightly smutty filler. If you don't want to read smut, just skip this chapter. It's not necessary to read this. You really won't miss anything but smut and some comforting Blaine. This is mainly because they're gonna be separated for a while and I needed them to have some love time. And I'm a pervert. So, yeah. Enjoy reading xD**

* * *

><p>"Kurt? Are you okay?"<p>

Blaine is only half awake, but he got woken up by a soft sobbing sound. He blinks and forces himself awake, rubbing his eyes and turning to lay on his side. The small figure next to him is shaking slightly. Sobs are muffled in the pillow.

"Kurt? Babe, look at me."

This is the first night that Kurt is back from the hospital. Blaine promised he could sleep one night with him in his own bed, before he starts at the clinic they picked. That way, Kurt can also help pick the stuff he wants to take with him the next morning. Blaine is a bit unsure about it all, but he promised himself he won't let Kurt talk him out of it.

The fragile boy lifts his head slightly and turns it to look at Blaine. Even in the dark, Blaine can see the blue eyes are a bit red and watery. He reaches for Kurt's face and wipes the tears from the soft, pale cheeks. Once again, Kurt reminds him of a beautiful, porcelain doll. With his pale skin and bright eyes, slightly flushed cheeks and flawless features.

Blaine leans in and presses a soft, loving kiss on Kurt's lips. The boy whimpers softly and closes his eyes.

"Talk to me, Kurt. Are you scared?"

The boy nods and bows his head. Blaine smiles slightly and brushes his fingers through the soft, chestnut hair. He's trying to teach himself to touch Kurt in ways that don't make him too uncomfortable. He only hugs the boy if Kurt comes to him first. He doesn't want to do anything that might make it worse.

"I don't want to go, Blaine. They'll make me eat. What if I get fatter? You'll never want to pick me up again."

Blaine blinks and shakes his head, fighting hard against the urge to wrap Kurt up in his arms. He reminds himself that Kurt has to hug him first. Only then he's allowed to touch him like that. It's hard and takes a lot of self-control, though.

"No, baby. Look at me. Good. Now, listen to me. You're going there for yourself, okay? Not for me, for you. Because you deserve so much more than this and I want you to be happy. I know it might never go away for a hundred percent, but every step is progress and we need to start right now, okay?"

He lifts Kurt's chin and kisses his lips, staying there a bit longer than he planned. God, it had been months. His eyes widen slightly. No, no, why is he getting hard?

"Blaine.. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just try to sleep, alright?"

"Okay.. Will you.. hold me?"

Bad timing, Kurt. How is he going to get out of this?

"I think that.. might get a bit awkward, babe.."

Kurt's eyes widen and there's a hint of hurt in the bright blue.

"You don't want to hold me?"

Blaine groans and closes his eyes for a second. Then he shakes his head and carefully wraps his arms around the thin boy. Kurt snuggles up against his body, even though he keeps his arms wrapped around himself. It takes a moment, until Kurt feels it.

"Blaine.. Are you..?"

"Yeah.. So.. I understand if you-"

"Do I have to.. help you?"

Blaine blinks and blushes, his body already reacting eagerly.

"Kurt.. That's not necessary.."

Kurt looks away for a moment, before looking into Blaine's eyes again.

"I think I want to.."

"O-Okay.."

Blaine feels both excited and confused. He hadn't expected Kurt to want anything sexual for a long time. Then again, he was just offering to help get Blaine off now, so that wouldn't be very different from before. He tries to relax as he lays down on his back, Kurt's hands slipping underneath his T-shirt and stroking his stomach, before moving down and pushing down his underwear.

Suddenly, the long, thin, cold fingers are wrapped around his erection. A soft moan escapes his lips. It really has been too long. Kurt's mouth is somewhere at his hip, kissing, licking and nuzzling the skin. Blaine is torn between closing his eyes for more sensation and keeping them open to watch Kurt. Those images might be useful to remember for while Kurt is away.

Kurt starts to move his hand, softly pumping his cock, driving Blaine insane.

"Oh God.. Kurt.. Don't.. Don't tease me like that.."

There's a mischievous smile on Kurt's lips when the boy looks up at his blushing boyfriend. For just a moment, everything feels like before. Before Kurt got sick, before there were issues with body contact. When they had sex almost every day, because they were finally alone and no parents could come home or walk in. The only thing holding them back being the fact they liked being able to walk normally. Blaine misses that time.

He doesn't get much time to think, though. Because Kurt's touch is getting more secure and serious and Blaine has to close his eyes, while the pleasure rushes through his body. It feels so good to be with Kurt like this. To be touched by the only person who's allowed to see and touch him.

It's as if Kurt can read his mind.

"Don't cheat on me, while I'm gone.. Please.. Don't be with someone else."

Blaine has to think hard to come up with correct sentences, while his breathing turns into needy panting.

"I won't.. I don't.. _Ah.._ I don't want anyone else.. _Nh! Kurt.._ I want for you to.. - _Fuck.._ - get better.. Because I.. _love you.._"

There's lips on his belly, then in his neck, soft breaths being breathed out against his hot skin. Kurt's mouth is hungrily marking his body, teeth are sinking playfully into his skin, not deep enough to hurt. Blaine feels like he's in Heaven. And he's so, _so_close.

"Fuck.. _Kurt.._ I'm close.. _Feels so good.._"

The hand speeds up again and within a seconds, his vision goes white. He can barely breathe, but it feels so good. Hot, sticky fluid ends up on his stomach, chest and shirt. Some even hits his face. Kurt slips out of bed and returns with some tissues. He lovingly cleans Blaine up, who's still out of breath. He's also really tired.

"You okay?"

"Hmm.. Kurt.."

He's half asleep again, when he notices the shifting next to him. He forces his eyes open and watches Kurt, who's rubbing himself against the mattress, moaning softly. Blaine curses inwardly, because 1) it's hot 2) he feels selfish now and 3) he's not sure if he's allowed to touch Kurt right now. He decides to just break his own rule and climbs on top of Kurt, after turning him around. The boy stares at Blaine with wide, blue eyes.

"Let me take care of you, beautiful. I want you to remember me and how much I love you, while you're there, okay?"

Kurt nods, his body trembling slightly, his arms still wrapped around his body.

"Can you let go, baby?"

Kurt blinks and looks at his arms. He bites his lip, but then slowly removes his arms from around his stomach. He's trembling.

Blaine softly takes Kurt's thin wrists in his hands and lays his arms down, softly stroking the skin. Then he lifts up Kurt's shirt a bit. The boy freezes underneath him.

"Breathe, baby. It's just me. It's just Blaine."

He presses a soft kiss on the naked skin of Kurt's exposed stomach. The boy still isn't relaxed.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Kurt shakes his head.

"No.. Can I just.. keep my sweater on?"

"Sure.. Sure, baby.."

Blaine turns to the boy's pyjama pants, slowly sliding them down, revealing the long, thin, pale legs. Kurt pulls them up a bit, but relaxes again when Blaine moves up to kiss his lips. He slips down Kurt's boxers without looking at the area at all, to make his boyfriend feel more comfortable. Kurt smiles weakly, thankful.

Blaine continues kissing Kurt, who luckily responds and returns the kiss, whimpering softly when their tongues meet. When he pulls away, Kurt's eyes are slightly blown with lust. It's the hottest thing in the world. Apart from seeing Kurt coming undone underneath or above him. And Kurt taking care of him. If you know what I mean.

He pulls up the blankets, covering both of them, while he moves down, pulling the blankets over his head. Kurt shifts a bit uncomfortably, but instantly reacts when Blaine takes him in his mouth. He can hear Kurt moaning softly, so he continues to lick and suck, while Kurt's legs start to tremble uncontrollably. Thin fingers tangle themselves up in his curls, pulling his hair slightly.

"Blaine.. _Blaine.._"

Blaine pulls back for a second, to ask if it's okay, but Kurt's fingers push him back down.

"_M-More.._"

Kurt sounds so needy and breathless, Blaine is scared he might get a problem again. He decides to just try to finish it quickly, to make things less awkward for himself. So he starts to suck harder, flicking his tongue around the head of Kurt's cock, taking him in deeper.

"Blaine.. _Blaine.._ I'm gonna.. _Nh.._"

Blaine smiles, not pulling back, but stroking Kurt's thighs along with his sucking. This seems to work perfectly, because within a few seconds, Kurt is coming in his mouth. Blaine swallows it all and moves back up to kiss Kurt. The boy makes a soft noise that is a mixture between disgust and surprise. Blaine ends the kiss and looks into Kurt's misty, blue eyes.

"I love you, Kurt."

"Love you, too.. Blaine.."

Blaine smiles and presses a kiss on Kurt's forehead. Then he helps the boy back into his underwear and pants, before putting his own underwear back on. He wraps his arms around Kurt again and falls asleep with Kurt pressed tightly against his body for the last time in the coming few months.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Even though this was smut, I'm about to sob. Next chapter will be Kurt checking in, his first impressions, thoughts, lies, introductions, etc.<br>Can I just say how much I love Blaine? Yes? Okay. I love Blaine to infinity. And it breaks my heart to separate them. Even though it's for Kurt's recovery.**


	14. Chapter 14: Kurt

**AN: I'm sorry it took a bit longer again, but this chapter was really hard to write. I'm still hurting, OMG.  
>Well, yeah, it was emotional smut, alright xD<br>_bow ties-coffee dates-duets_: Maybe you can help me, because I have never been in a clinic. I'm only familiar with therapy. (Mainly because I haven't found a clinic that will help me, yet) So if I do anything wrong, please, tell me so I can change it. I need this to be perfect.  
>Lyrics at the beginning are from Porcelain by Marianas Trench, the song that also inspired me for the title for this fic, because 'Porcelain' will always make me think of Kurt. <strong>

* * *

><p><em>'It's alright to take time<em>_  
>And find where you've been.<br>You are perfect porcelain.'_

* * *

><p>Kurt is sitting in the car, staring at the blurry image that has to resemble the picture in the brochure. It's raining so hard, though, the building could be anything. Blaine is actually outside, getting his bags out of the car and getting them safely and as dry as possible in the hallway of the building. The clinic. Kurt's clinic. The one they agreed on.<p>

"Kurt? I got everything out. Are you coming?"

Kurt stares at the dashboard, unmoving. He's on the edge of breaking down, but he doesn't want to show it. Stupid, fat Kurt was going to get fatter again. He doesn't want this. He wants to make Blaine happy, but it's unfair that he has to be unhappy and fat to make that happen. Why isn't he allowed to lose weight?

"Kurt?"

A soaking wet Blaine enters the car again, closing the door behind him. His curls are loose and dripping, his sweater sticking to his body. Kurt is almost certain the boy will catch a cold like this. So he takes off his coat and wraps it around Blaine's shoulders.

"Keep this. Remember me.."

"Kurt.. No, you need-"

"I'll run, Blaine. I have others with me. Keep it. We live together. I'll get it back when I- when I'm better.. Just don't ruin or lose it."

Tears are coming up now and he tries to keep them from leaving his eyes. He turns his attention to the window again, so Blaine won't see anything.

"Don't cry, baby.."

Blaine softly rubs his back. Kurt freezes slightly.

"I'm not crying."

"I can see your reflection in the window, Kurt."

Kurt curses the reflecting property of windows and looks back at Blaine. The boy smiles at him and kisses him softly.

"I'll walk with you, okay? We shouldn't let them wait. I know it's difficult, but you'll never be ready to go in, so there's no use in waiting here."

Kurt shrugs a bit weakly and hides his face in Blaine's chest when the boy pulls him into a soft embrace. He's softly sobbing, clinging to Blaine, begging him to take him home again, promising he'll eat more. Blaine just rubs his back and Kurt can feel him shaking his head.

"No, baby. We're going to do this, alright? You need to get better. You know that, right? We talked about this. Now be my strong Kurt. Make Blainey proud."

Kurt smiles weakly and looks up at his boyfriend, through his eyelashes that are sticking together from his tears. Blaine takes his face in his hands and brushes his fingers past his cheeks, his neck, back up to his chin. Kurt blinks and moves up to kiss Blaine.

"I'll try.."

Blaine smiles and presses a kiss on Kurt's head, careful not to mess up his hair, even though Kurt honestly hasn't styled it in days. He didn't have his products at the hospital and he didn't care that much. He had other things to worry about. Luckily Blaine didn't say anything about it and looks at him with just as much love and adoration as he did before. The previous night had been a bit stressful, weird, but good. Kurt is glad he didn't ignore Blaine's needs, because somewhere deep inside, he needed it too.

"Will you call?"

"Every day. I promised, right?"

"Maybe you forgot.."

"I'd never forget, Kurt. Come, let's get you inside."

"Can't we stay here a little bit longer?"

"How long?"

"Bit.. longer.."

"Okay, babe."

Kurt climbs onto Blaine's lap. It's a bit uncomfortable in the small space of the driver's seat, but he doesn't care. Blaine doesn't say anything. He just holds Kurt until he stops crying and nods weakly.

"I think I'm ready."

"Alright, babe."

Kurt opens the door and gets out, the rain instantly hitting his body. Blaine is there right after him, holding up the coat and pulling Kurt underneath it, so they're both pretty much dry. He closes the door of the car and leads Kurt towards the entrance of the building. When they arrive in the hallway, Blaine puts on the coat, even though it's a bit too small for him.

"It smells like you."

Kurt blushes and smiles.

"Not my sweat, I hope."

"No, just you."

Blaine takes Kurt's hand in his warm one. Kurt trembles slightly and picks up one of his bags. Blaine takes the other two and they continue walking, until they reach some kind of reception. A kind-looking, young woman looks up from some papers and automatically looks at Kurt. He bites his lip a bit nervously.

"What's your name, honey?"

"Hummel.. Kurt Hummel."

"Ah, Kurt, yes, it's your first day, right? Let me show you to your room. Mandy, can you take my place for a bit?"

Another woman nods and takes place in the chair, after the still nameless woman gets up and walks over to Kurt. She takes one of the bags from Blaine, without asking any questions, and leads them into a long hallway. At the end, she turns right, into another hallway and opens a door halfway into it.

"Well, Kurt. This will be your room. You've got a roommate, you'll probably meet later. Everyone is at group therapy right now. The bed over there is yours. I'll let you settle a bit. You know where to find me. Do you have any questions?"

Kurt stares at her, his eyes wide and scared. He doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't want anyone to come back from group therapy, to find him in the room.

"May I ask your name? And maybe the one from Kurt's roommate, so he can maybe.. introduce himself more easily?"

Kurt looks at Blaine, thankful, but a bit embarrassed.

"Oh, of course. I'm Emily and your roommate is called Evan. I'm sure you two will be getting along. He's the sweetest person, really."

"Thank you.."

Kurt smiles weakly at her and Emily nods and leaves the room. Kurt turns to Blaine, a bit desperate. His boyfriend smiles at him and kisses his cheek.

"Do I need to help you unpack?"

"Yes, please."

* * *

><p>About half an hour later, Kurt's stuff is placed into the right places. He's surprised at how fast the pretty huge amount of clothes is sorted and placed into the small closet, next to his bed. He only needs to get his toiletries to the shared bathroom, but he's a bit scared to take in too much place with his stuff. He decides to leave it in the bag and starts to shuffle towards the bathroom, when Blaine grabs his arm.<p>

"Blaine?"

"The razors, Kurt."

"What?"

"Give them to me."

"W-Why?"

"You know exactly why. I know you haven't cut since that weekend, because I've been checking up on you, but you can't keep them."

Kurt hesitates. How does Blaine even know where he keeps them? Then he takes out the case, with trembling fingers and hands it over to Blaine. Blaine opens it, checks if the razors are inside and then puts the case in the pocket of his coat.

"I'll throw these away when I get home. This is your past, Kurt. You're going to get better, get happier. The cutting is over, alright?"

Kurt nods weakly and puts the bag in the bathroom. New tears sting his eyes, as he realises he'll have to say goodbye to Blaine now.

"Can't you stay for a bit longer?"

"No, baby. You need to let go, alright? I'll call you tonight to ask how you're feeling and to wish you goodnight. I need to go home, now. You just get some rest, read something, go on a tour in the building. I'm sure you can ask Emily to show you around. Be strong, okay?"

Kurt bites his lip and stares at the floor. Blaine pulls him into his strong arms again.

"Everything will be fine, babe. Try your hardest, so you can come home soon again. I love you, Kurt. I love you so much. I'll fucking miss you, baby."

Kurt can hear Blaine's voice break and he clings to the shorter boy's shirt, fighting back his tears. He hears Blaine crying softly, but the boy holds him too tightly, so he's unable to pull away to look at him.

"Blaine.. Don't cry.."

"It's okay, Kurtie.. It's okay.. I'm so proud of you for doing this. I'll be waiting for you. Take care of yourself, okay?"

Kurt nods and they kiss, both their cheeks wet with tears, Kurt clinging to Blaine and Blaine holding Kurt tightly.

"Don't forget about me.."

"_I'll never say goodbye to you_, right?"

A sob escapes Kurt's lips, but he smiles at Blaine, who presses a wet kiss on his forehead.

"I believe in you. I'll visit you in a few days, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you, Kurt."

"I love you too, Blaine."

And Blaine walks out of the room, obviously holding back more tears. Kurt can see his body trembling a bit, when he starts to walk faster, back towards the car, the pouring rain. Hiding in Kurt's coat.

He's alone.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sobbing. Oh God, this is hell to write. Please, let me know what you think ; - ;<strong>


	15. Chapter 15: Blaine

**AN: I apologize for the slight delay in my updating. I wasn't sure what to do with Blaine, since his chapter comes first, so I had to work some things out first. I hope you can forgive me. I'll give you loads of emotions in return.  
>Thank you so much for all the reviews! I'm still completely overwhelmed with the attention this story gets. Every time I get a review alert, I kind of die a little from happiness. It means so much to me!<br>_Sunday morning on saturday: _Oh my God, I killed your computer ; - ; You're making me sob here! Your reviews are perfect, seriously. Sorry for all the crying I cause you, though.  
><em>Patricia Sage:<em> I honestly can't wear make-up while writing this. It turns me into a panda. It does!  
><em>bow ties-coffee dates-duets:<em> Aah, okay! Good, good. Just tell me if I do something wrong. Oh, Blainers is just perfect for Kurt. He knows him so well. But why? Hmm =3  
><em>CaseyChimera:<em> Oh, I'm totally planning on writing either a smut one shot for Klaine or a happier story that has a lot of smut, because I kind of need it next to this angst and drama and crying. I just need a story. Yes. I'm gonna think about this.  
>I hope you 'enjoy' reading. Even though it's tragedy and such. You know. Ha. Okay. Yeah. <strong>

* * *

><p>The ride back home is long and silent. Blaine doesn't even try to cheer himself up by turning on the radio. It's like there's an emptiness in his heart. He left Kurt there alone. He's a terrible boyfriend. He should have done more, tried harder to fix Kurt. Even though he knows Kurt really needs this, it hurts to be without him. He knows it will be hell. He hasn't slept one night alone since they moved to New York.<p>

He takes a deep breath and smells Kurt - the coat helps. It calms him down a bit. It reminds him that this is necessary for Kurt's recovery.

When he gets home, he curls up on the couch, without taking the coat off. He stares at the wall for quite some time. The phone rings and it takes a moment until Blaine registers the sound. He picks up the phone, slightly confused.

"Hello?"

_"Ah, Blaine, it's Burt. Is everything alright there?"_

"I- Burt.. Hi.."

Blaine panics. He doesn't know if he's allowed to tell Burt anything. He digs up his phone from his pocket and sends a quick text to Kurt.

**'Babe, your father's on the phone. Can I tell him?'**

The reply is almost instant.

**'No!'**

He sighs and returns his attention to the other phone.

"Yeah, everything is fine. Are you okay too?"

_"I'm alright, kid. Could I speak to Kurt?"_

"Er.. Well.. Kurt's not home right now. Do you want to leave him a message? I can write it down for when he comes back."

Blaine feels terrible and hates himself more with every word he speaks, because it's all a lie. Kurt isn't fine. He isn't fine. Kurt's not coming home for a longer time than Burt will imagine. But he has to lie for Kurt, even though he doesn't want to. He knows he has to keep it a secret and do this alone. If Burt will ever find out, Blaine will probably get killed, but he's just doing what he thinks is best for now.

_"No, it's okay, I just wanted to know how he's doing. You know, after Christmas. You seemed worried too and Kurt wasn't really himself."_

"Oh, that. No, he's fine. Like I said, he was just tired. Needed a break, I suppose. Christmas was good for him."

That isn't exactly a lie. Christmas was good. Blaine found out about Kurt's disorder and now he was getting help. Would he have had to visit Kurt in the hospital if he hadn't found out before? Or would Kurt have stayed more careful not to let him know? Or maybe it would have happened and they had to tell him about Kurt's condition at the hospital. Would he have believed them? Or gotten angry and told them they don't even know Kurt and that he surely would know if his boyfriend was underweight and starving himself? The thought scares him a bit.

_"Hmm, alright. Well, I'll call back later to talk to Kurt. Take it easy, Blaine."_

"I will.. Thank you, Burt. Maybe you can reach Kurt on his own phone."

_"I'll try that then. Are you two okay?"_

"Of course we are. We barely ever fight. Everything is fine."

_"That's very good to hear. Well, talk to you later, alright?"_

"Yeah.. Yeah, sure. Bye, Burt."

_"Bye, kiddo."_

Blaine hangs up the phone and stares at it. He can't believe how Kurt turned him into a liar within seconds. Blaine was never a liar. He believes in telling the truth, no matter how painful, because lies make everything worse in the end. And now he lied to Burt. Twice, even. That time after his fight with Kurt, he played along with Kurt's little lie about the lock being broken. Blaine hates liars.

He sighs in frustration and puts his hands in the pockets of Kurt's coat. They aren't empty - Blaine is lucky. He gets out a package of Kurt's favorite chewing gum, that will surely smell and taste like Kurt's mouth. He finds Kurt's keys, which unsettles him a bit, because Kurt should have the keys to their house. Even though he won't get home for some time.

That's almost everything inside the pockets. Kurt doesn't like trash and he's highly protective of his clothes, that need to be clean all the time. Only things that are really necessary stay in the pockets. And the thing Blaine put in it a few hours ago.

Blaine's fingers close around the plastic case, clenching it hard. It was a bad idea to take this home with him. He should have thrown it away at the clinic or on the drive home, so he'd never see it again. It brings back memories and needs that he pushed out of his minds years ago - that weren't allowed to return and wash over him. Blaine feels scared. He can't go back, especially not with Kurt gone. It's dangerous and wrong and totally unfair towards Kurt. It would be like betrayal; self-destructing while he sent Kurt away to get better.

He gets the case out of the pocket and opens it again. Kurt had no idea. He doesn't know everything about Blaine's past and the evidence had faded away long before Kurt got to see his body. The scars are only visible if you know where they are - if you even know they exist. Blaine takes out one of the razors and stares at it. The urge hadn't come back from the scars, cuts and blood on Kurt's body. That sight had only hurt him, shocked him, made him remember, but not feel any desire or jealousy. Watching the razors, holding them, feeling the familiar cold metal against his digits, it makes him long for the feeling he swore he would never get addicted to again. He stopped because of Kurt. Kurt is gone. But he will come back. Blaine just doesn't know how long it will take.

He shakes his head and puts the razor back in the case, closes it and lets it fall back into the pocket of Kurt's coat. He should throw it away, but he can't. Putting it away is hard enough already. It takes a lot of self-control, but he refuses to let his past get him again. He's not going to betray Kurt.

* * *

><p>Kurt picks up at the second ring, sounding tired, but awake.<p>

_"Blaine?"_

"Hey, baby. How are you feeling?"

_"Full and.. big.. I just.. I had dinner. They allowed me to eat half of the food on my plate, because it's my first day."_

"I see.. You're beautiful, Kurt. Did you meet some other people yet?"

_"Not really. Only my roommate. Evan is really nice, like Emily said. He's.. He's just.."_

"Hmm? Babe?"

_"Nothing, really. Anyway, I'm tired, but I can't sleep.. I'm scared, Blaine."_

Blaine wonders what's upsetting Kurt about his roommate, but decides he shouldn't put too much pressure on Kurt. He knows that the boy will probably tell him if it's important for Blaine to know or if it upsets Kurt a lot.

"It's okay, baby. Are you in bed?"

_"Yeah.."_

"Lie down and close your eyes. Get comfortable."

_"Hmm.. Okay."_

"Okay. Now I'll sing you to sleep, beautiful."

Blaine softly begins to sing, turning it into a soft, half-whispered lullaby, while concentrating on Kurt's breathing and casually changing the lyrics from 'she' to 'he'.

_"My eyes are no good, blind without him,__  
><em>_The way he moves I'd never doubt him,__  
><em>_When he talks, he somehow creeps into my dreams.__  
><em>_He's a doll, a catch, a winner,__  
><em>_I'm in love and no beginner, __  
><em>_Could ever grasp or understand just what he means._

_Baby, baby blue eyes,__  
><em>_Stay with me by my side,__  
><em>_Till the morning, through the night.__  
><em>_Oh baby, stand here holding my sides,__  
><em>_Close your baby blue eyes,__  
><em>_Every moment feels right.__  
><em>_And I may feel like a fool,__  
><em>_But I'm the only one dancing with you.__  
><em>_Ooooh.."_

He lets the song slowly fade away into silence when he notices Kurt's breathing has evened out and gotten slightly louder. A soft mumble sounds from the phone. Blaine smiles and closes his eyes, while he ends the call. He puts his phone down on the nightstand and curls up in the empty twin bed. He sighs softly and smells at Kurt's pillow.

"I love you, Kurt. God, I miss you.. Please, be able to come back home soon."

He closes his eyes as a tear slides down his cheek, onto his pillow.

"I think I need you to save me too.."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Why did I do that? Oh my God. Yes, I always imagined Blaine as fucked-up-before-Kurt-got-into-his-life. I still believe they saved each other. I really do. I'm so sorry. Oh God.<br>Also, in case you don't know the song Blaine sings to Kurt: It's Baby Blue Eyes by A Rocket To The Moon. It's an amazing, perfect song and I love it so much. You should give it a listen ;)**


	16. Chapter 16: Kurt

**AN: Okay, this chapter was so, so hard to write and it makes me hate myself and everyone and I'm probably overreacting, but okay. Oh God, why am I doing this. Aaah.. Seriously. You'll know soon.**  
><strong>Sunday morning on saturday: Ahw, I feel guilty for making you cry with every chapter ; - ; If it helps, I cry while writing them too. Let us have no dignity together xD<strong>  
><strong>AngelisIgniRelucent: OMG, it's not perfect at all, but thank you so much! All the tears, oh God..<strong>

**Kuuurtiieee. I love you, but I kind of hate you right now. Feelings. Blah.  
><strong>Major trigger warning for eating disorders. No surprise there, but it's pretty major, so I wanted to add that..<strong> **

* * *

><p>The day rushes by pretty quickly. Kurt can't find the courage to ask for a tour around the clinic, so he spends a few hours reading on his bed. When he receives a text from Blaine, his heart starts to beat faster with fear so he replies with his first thought. When he rereads the text later, he feels guilty. It was one thing to lie to his father, but he made Blaine lie for him. He knows his boyfriend hates liars. For a moment he wonders if Blaine actually lied to his father, but he figures he wouldn't have asked for Kurt's permission if he was planning on telling the truth right away.<p>

A few minutes later, his father calls him. They have a short conversation and Kurt carefully interrupts Burt with random, happy updates on his life, when his father tries to ask him where he is.

"Blaine wants a puppy and since it's his birthday in about a month, I'm looking for puppies. You know any cute ones, dad? It shouldn't drool too much or get too big, though. I'm no dog expert. Maybe I should just get him a kitten. Cats are easier."

Burt is completely distracted by the sudden change of subject and doesn't ask him where he is again. They end the call about a minute later, because Burt has some work to do at the garage. Kurt puts his iPhone away and tries to concentrate on his book again, when the door opens, softly. A skinny, brunette boy slips into the room. Kurt blinks and curls up, making himself smaller on the bed.

The boy still notices him and gives him a small smile.

"Hi. You're Kurt, right?"

Kurt nods, scared to talk. The boy's body makes him terribly jealous and sad and he's afraid he'll end up crying if he says something right now.

"I'm Evan. Emily probably told you my name, though. She's pretty cute and hot, don't you think?"

Kurt blushes and decides to just nod again. He doesn't know if Emily is hot or cute, because he didn't pay much attention to her and even if he did, he wouldn't have had a clue about what's so hot about girls, but he's scared Evan will judge him if he pretty much introduces himself like 'Hi, I'm Kurt. I'm gay. Don't you love sleeping in one room with me?'. Not that he would add the last part, but he's sure that would be what would go trough Evan's mind.

He secretly watches the boy's body again, while staying curled up so Evan can't do the same. He knows he's fat and he doesn't need this skinny guy to confirm it to him.

Evan is apparently used to silent people and the clinic, because he joins Kurt on his bed and leans closer.

"So, what's your style, Kurt?"

"W-What?"

"Woah, dude, does your voice always sound that high? Anyway, how do you do it?"

"Yes.. I.. I don't know what you mean."

"Lose weight, of course. You must be underweight, otherwise they wouldn't let you in. Except for Cindy. She totally eats everything she can find and she doesn't even throw up. Can you imagine? But you don't look bulimic to me. You're an Ana case, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Ana. The voice in your head that tells you how much of a sinner you are when you even think of taking a bite of anything at all."

"I.. I didn't know it had a name."

"It does, even though it's stupid. I mainly use it because it's shorter."

He laughs and Kurt feels even more uncomfortable.

"So, what's your BMI?"

"I.. I don't know.. I.. just got out of the hospital, so I couldn't weight myself."

"The hospital, huh? That place sucks. They would always stare at me like I'm some kind of alien. After I got dehydrated and passed out for the fifth time in a month, they forced me into this place. BMI 16.8. No fun. They said I had no choice"

"H-How long have you been here?"

"About a month or two. I'm still in the danger zone, apparently. I never told them I stick my fingers down my throat, just like those pathetic bulimics. Except that I don't stuff myself like a hamster. They think my body is completely out of balance."

Kurt stares at the thin boy, who smiles at him as if there's nothing wrong with his behaviour.

"Aren't you supposed to get better here?"

Evan snorts at Kurt's question.

"I never agreed on getting locked up in here, so I don't have to do what they want. I'm not letting them turn me into some pig again. That's stupid. You honestly want to be fat?"

Kurt feels weird, nauseous and scared. He wants to yell at the boy or run away or cut his body open, but Blaine took his razors away and it wouldn't be fair to yell at Evan, because he knows exactly what the other is talking about. He probably wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for Blaine, who wants him to get better. And Evan didn't even have a choice - they just put him in this clinic without his approval. Running away is impossible and Kurt is scared he'll pass out if he uses too much energy.

"I don't want to hurt the people around me. I need to do this. I need to get better."

"You're weak, Kurt. You know you could be strong and beautiful. Thin. But you're letting them tell you lies. They're just jealous, because they have no control."

Kurt takes a deep breath. He's confused and scared and not sure if he wants to stay here. What if Evan is right? What if Blaine is just jealous and that's why he put Kurt in this place? He clenches his teeth and stares at his fat fingers.

"I don't know what to do."

Evan smiles and grabs his hand.

"I like you, Kurt. You seem like a smart person and you're kind of like me. You just need to make them believe you're getting better, alright? Then they will allow you to leave this place. After that, you just have to hide it better. Lie better. They kinda see through me, so I'm not getting out soon. Drink a lot of water, before they weight you. It should make you heavier for a bit."

Kurt doesn't know if he should disagree or let Evan drag him down, further into his addiction. He doesn't want to be fat. He can't really believe that Blaine would lie to him about this. Blaine isn't a liar, especially not towards Kurt. Still, he's anxious and slightly paranoid now.

He wants to speak up, when Evan pulls up his shirt. Kurt blinks and stares at the thin body, jealousy taking over.

"You can do this, Kurt. Show me how far you are."

Kurt bites his lip and shakes his head. No, he was not going to show his fat, disgusting body to Evan, who was so much closer to perfection. It's humiliating and embarrassing. But before he realizes what's happening, Evan has pulled him from the bed, on his feet, his shirt is pulled up to his chest.

"Woah, good job."

Almost aggressively, Kurt pulls his shirt free from Evan's hand and pulls it back down. His eyes are stinging, but he also feels a bit proud. Evan thought he was doing good, which meant something positive, he guesses.

Evan pets his shoulder and walks towards the door.

"Shall I show you around?"

"O-Okay.."

* * *

><p>Dinner is hard, because thoughts keep on taking over his mind. Calories, calories, calories. Next to him, Evan is barely eating anything, saying his stomach hurts. They don't believe him, but he refuses to eat more. Eventually they let him leave the table. Kurt manages to eat half of his food, before he feels blown up and nauseous. They tell him it's fine for today, because it's his first day. He has to eat more tomorrow, though. Emily warns him he'll be woken up for breakfast at 8am. Kurt just nods and follows Evan back to their room, scared to get lost. He hasn't really introduced himself to anyone else yet.<p>

When Blaine calls him later, he almost tells his boyfriend about Evan's planning for him. He wants to ask Blaine if he's really jealous or honestly worried about Kurt. But he knows he can't tell Blaine, because then the plan would never work. If anyone finds out, he'll be stuck in the clinic until they're done brainwashing him. So he brushes it off.

He closes his eyes when Blaine tells him to and the song warms up his body a bit, even though the room is freezing. He falls asleep with a small smile on his lips. Blaine is the best boyfriend in the world. But Kurt could fool him. The hardest part is getting out of the clinic where he gets monitored and weighted almost every day. After that, he'll be back with his lovely, oblivious boyfriend. He's not getting fatter. No way.

Kurt will be perfect.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: No words. Okay.<strong>


	17. Chapter 17: Blaine

**AN: Are my chapters too short? I feel like they are, but I can't really make them longer, because I switch the POV every chapter. I don't know.. Some are a bit longer, but they stay around the same length, apart from the first two chapters. I'm ranting. Ohwell. Anyway.**  
><strong><em>ComeWhatMay-NOH8<em>: I knooow. But there will always be people who are so sick and drag others down with them. Evan is one of those people who is just.. too far into it and he probably feels alone, so he tries to get Kurt on his side or something.. That's how I picture him. I understand you guys hate him, but I just feel bad for him xD I'm weird, too forgiving and such.**  
><strong><em>CaseyChimera<em>: Ahw ; - ; He will get better! One day..**  
><strong><em>extraflamycandle:<em> Gheh, I'm sorry xD Like I said, you guys probably hate him, but there's a reason for his behavior. It's just sad, really.**  
><strong><em>Lee Heteroclite<em>: Thank you so, so much! OMG, you guys are all too nice! This is my first multi-chapter fic in YEARS and my first Glee fic, so I've been so anxious and I'm still nervous with every chapter, hoping I write them right, you know? **  
><strong>God, I love you all. Have a Blaine chapter. <span>Trigger warning for self harm.<span>**

* * *

><p>Days go by, slowly and lonely. Blaine wants to give Kurt some time to get used to the place and the people before he'll come visit him. He calls Kurt every day, before bed. He asks about Kurt's day, his conversations with therapists, if the people are nice, how he's feeling. Kurt mostly just replies saying he's tired, so then Blaine sings him to sleep. After he hangs up the phone, he cries himself to sleep. Every night.<p>

He hasn't taken the razors out of Kurt's coat again. He refuses to look at them, face the temptation of dragging those blades down his skin and drown in the beautiful, bright red. They're on his mind almost all day, but he works on school, works extra shifts at work and tries to keep himself busy and away from the empty house and the danger in the pocket of Kurt's coat. He does wear Kurt's scarves a lot, just to have his scent with him. Sometimes he just sits in the big walk-in closet and closes his eyes, taking in Kurt's scent and imagining he has his boyfriend with him. Maybe it's pathetic, but spending about an hour in the closet calms him down.

One day, Finn calls him and invites him and Kurt to a game. Blaine is torn between making up an excuse for Kurt and declining. He doesn't know if Finn or Burt will want to talk to Kurt to ask if he's okay with it. So instead, he tells Finn he will discuss it with Kurt when he gets home from work. It was easy to say Kurt is at work or school when someone calls. They know how busy Kurt is and how much of a perfectionist, so they instantly believe he's working long evenings with his study group on projects. They ask Blaine if he's okay sometimes. Blaine says he's fine. It's so hard to lie to Burt every time he calls to speak to Kurt. It wears him out, so when it's time to talk and sing to Kurt, he's exhausted and depressed.

Blaine feels alone. Terribly alone. He isn't exactly taking care of himself either. His appetite is gone, because he hates eating by himself. He hasn't shaved since Kurt left. His dark curls are messy and his brown eyes look dark and tired. He's pretty sure he hasn't taken a shower in about five days and the place is a mess. Blaine knows why. First of all, Kurt was the neat one, who makes sure everything is clean and folded and smells of soap. He organizes almost obsessively and cares a lot about appearance, so Blaine forces himself to shave and shower every day, so Kurt won't get angry. He wants to look good for his boyfriend too. Now only his classmates see him. And the people at his work. Blaine really couldn't care less about his looks.

At Dalton, it was important to look clean and neat. The private school had an image and an attitude and he had to look nice so people accepted him. After his past at the public school he went to, Blaine was careful not to piss anyone off. He didn't really try to make friends, but the Warblers came to him. At first there was Nick, who somehow sensed that Blaine was tense, scared and a bit withdrawn. He was nice to Blaine, sat next to him in class (if he didn't have class with Jeff) and invited him for coffee with his friends.

They were all nice to him, liked him and gave Blaine time to adjust to the group he was suddenly part of. They invited him to audition for the glee club, that was popular and cheerful and talented, so Blaine wasn't sure how to say no. But as soon as he tried out, their mouths fell open and when he finished, Jeff pulled him into a tight hug, welcoming him to the Warblers.

It took a few weeks or months, before Blaine could tell him about what happened at his previous school. He was scared for their reaction, because it was also the first time he mentioned he's gay, but they all looked shocked and angry, but understanding. They all hugged him or patted his back and told him he was safe now. It was one of the happiest moments in Blaine's life.

He was still caught up in his past, though. Nightmares haunted him, the feeling of failure and weakness always present. During vacations, his father would always ask him if he had a girlfriend yet, on which Blaine replied he didn't know why his father would ask that, because Blaine is gay and Dalton is an all-boys school. His father would always get angry and threaten to get him out of Dalton, but his mother would always assure him Blaine needed the school for his safety. His father would reply she was right. Except for one time, during Christmas. When the family was there and he lost it, telling Blaine it was his own fault he got beaten up. That he asked for it, by becoming a fag. Blaine replied, in tears, that he was born gay and he wouldn't come home anymore. That evening, Blaine left the house, drove back to Dalton and cut himself for the first time.

He doesn't really remember why he chose the option. He'd read about it, seen it on TV. It was bad, an addiction, weak and for sad people. But Blaine was sad. He couldn't stop crying and he was just desperate. At first, he considered just ending it. But he remembered his friends and how kind and caring they had been. He refused to traumatize them by turning up dead, in a pool of his own blood. Besides, Blaine didn't really want to die. He just needed to punish himself for being a failure, for being gay, for not being the way his father wanted him to be. For not being like his brother.

So he took a pair of scissors and made a small cut. It was more like a scratch. It didn't bleed, it just stung enough to practically numb him. It was weird to suddenly have a clear mind, because the pain distracted him from the chaos in his head. But it stopped too quickly. That wasn't like he planned it. So he made more scratches, the stings numbing his head and arm. The days after that go better. His head feels lighter and he's able to smile more. But after about two or three days, depression kicks in again. His mother calls him and asks how he's doing. She apologizes for her husband's behaviour. Blaine can only feel hurt and anger. So he tells her he's fine and as soon as the call is ended, he rushes to his desk and grabs his scissors.

Months later, he switched from scissors to razors, because the sting wasn't enough. He needed to see blood, to prove he was still alive. His friends didn't know about his newfound addiction. Blaine spent his days feeling empty, waiting for the end of his last class so he could lock himself in his bathroom and finally release his anger and hurt on himself.

When he met Kurt, the world suddenly seemed brighter, happier. Becoming Kurt's mentor and friend kept him busy and made him feel useful and important. The fear in the boy's blue eyes, made him swear to himself he would stay strong and be there for Kurt. After their second coffee date, he threw the razors away. He was never, ever going to go back to being weak and pathetic. Kurt gave him hope with his strength and wit. The day he met Kurt, Blaine could smile genuinely again for the first time in months. After he realised he had fallen for Kurt and they shared their first kiss, Blaine was sure he would get happy. No matter what happened, Kurt saved him and he would save Kurt.

But now, Blaine feels empty and alone. He's desperate and tries to let himself get caught up in work and school, so he doesn't need to think about anything. He tries not to think about Kurt, until he can call him and even then he tries to keep his emotions inside, because his lovely Kurt needs to get better and not worry about Blaine. So he holds back his tears until Kurt is asleep and he has ended the call. His thoughts slowly wander off, back to the case in Kurt's coat. He doesn't want to go there. He can't even touch it, because he knows he'll lose it.

Confused and desperate, Blaine grabs his phone. He scrolls through his contact list, knowing he needs _someone _to talk to. It feels like betrayal towards Kurt, but he can't keep it in anymore. He stares at the familiar name, hesitating, knowing it's one of the worst options he could pick, but he doesn't know who else would really care to listen to him. So he presses the call button and presses his phone to his ear. It takes about three rings, because of the time. A sleepy voice greets him.

"Blaine? What's going on? Do you know what time it is?"

Blaine swallows and takes a deep breath.

"Can I see you tomorrow? I really need to talk. Let's get coffee, okay?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Because you guys just LOVE cliffhangers. And I'm a little sadistic.<strong>


	18. Chapter 18: Kurt

**AN: I'm sorry for the delay. I've been busy trying to find help for myself. Failing. But okay. I spent about 5 different days writing on this and they were all small parts and I got stuck at some point. But I finished it today! Yay for me!  
>I hope you are all still alive and ready for emotional shit.<br>_Sunday morning on saturday_: You make sure you're alone for this chapter too. Also, I only cried from laughter at Madagascar. Did I miss something? I'm a very, very emotional person. I cry at almost every movie. Or series. I watch Skins and it kills me.  
>You guys will have to wait for the next chapter to get the answer to the question 'who did Blaine call?', because today, we have Kurt. Which is fine too, I hope. I'm curious as to who still hates Evan after this chapter. I'll stop talking now. Bring your tissues.<strong>

* * *

><p>The days are hard and confusing. Kurt is constantly torn between trying to get better and fooling the whole clinic, so he can go back home. A few times he follows Evan's advice and drinks a lot of water before he has to step on the scale. Other days he shows them his real weight and he forces himself to eat a bit more during the meals and 'snack times'. His weight changes constantly, but he's mainly gaining little by little. He doesn't tell Evan, because he's embarrassed, but tries to focus on Blaine instead. He won't let that skeleton kid tell him he's weak, while he's the one that surrendered to his illness. Kurt wants to prove he's stronger than that. Even if he doesn't feel strong.<p>

It's hard to talk to Blaine about the conversations he has with the therapists. He's bad at explaining what they discussed, because he honestly can't remember much once he's back in his room. He mainly shuts down his emotions and thoughts, so he can be honest and not hold himself back from speaking the truth. He goes through the days like he's dreaming. Sleepwalking from his room to therapy sessions, to the dining room, back to his room..

Emily has been nice to him and Kurt hasn't gotten lost since Evan showed him around. The building turned out to be smaller than he thought it was. Kurt meets the other patients from his hallway, which is apparently called Unit 2. The units are groups of eight to ten people, so the environment feels safer for the patients, Kurt learns. The unit you stay at, is also the group for your group therapy. Emily turns out to be in charge of Unit 2.

His second full day in the clinic, Kurt gets his first individual therapy session with a psychiatrist. The woman tells him to call her Cameron - She never mentions a last name, just like the nurses. The first ten minutes, Kurt quietly sips at the plastic cup with water she put down for him. The scent of her tea drifts into Kurt's face.

"Kurt." He flinches slightly at the sound of Cameron's voice after the silence.

"Y-Yeah?" He blinks and squeezes the cup a bit too hard, so it makes a cracking noise.

"Tell me about the things that make you happy. They can be anything. People, clothes, music, flowers, scents.. Anything." She smiles at him and clicks her pen, ready to write down his answers.

Kurt stares at her, taken aback by the sudden, unexpected question. He expected a rant or questions about his body. So it takes a bit longer for him to come up with the right answer.

"Well.. Blaine, my boyfriend. He makes me really happy. And.. er.. My dad.. Memories of my mother, the scent of spring, freshly washed clothes, sale when I have money, Disney movies, Broadway musicals, singing, star gazing, cuddling.."

Kurt bites his lip and stares into his almost empty cup, while he waits for Cameron to finish writing down his answer. When she lays down her pen, Kurt looks up to find her looking into his eyes.

"I will write these things on a big piece of paper, so you can hang it up on the wall, to remind you why you're here, what you want to get back and enjoy. Positive things are important and you shouldn't forget them. We will look at your bad behaviour and obsessions, but without happy things, you can't fight them."

Kurt nods, slightly speechless. He returns his gaze to his water, feeling a bit exposed and vulnerable. He doesn't exactly know what to say.

"Alright. So, you have a boyfriend. Blaine, wasn't it? Tell me about him."

Kurt dares to take another sip of his water, before speaking again.

"Blaine is perfect. He's beautiful and kind. The most accepting, amazing person I have ever met. I miss him a lot. I'm here to make him happy. Because I think I made him unhappy with my behaviour."

Cameron nods and writes something down. "How do you know Blaine?"

Kurt's cheek flush a soft pink at the question. "I.. I was checking out the competition of my glee club. He was the lead singer of my competition. We talked afterwards and I just.. I opened up to him, because he has this.. way of calming people down, make them feel comfortable and accepted, no matter what you did. I told him about the bully at my school. We tried to make the guy stop, but it got worse. I ended up transferring to Blaine's school, because the bully threatened to kill me."

Cameron frowns, but remains silent, patiently waiting for Kurt to continue his story.

"We.. We were friends, even though I had already fallen for him. And after some strange events, including a dead bird, he realized he loved me back. So we got together. And now we live together, in New York."

Cameron nods and smiles at him. "I'll probably ask more about that dead bird case later. It sounds oddly romantic." She takes a few sips from her tea. "So, you want to get better for Blaine?"

Kurt nods, shifting his legs a bit. He stares at his cup again. "It makes him sad. My.. obsession.."

"Tell me about your obsession and why you think it makes Blaine sad."

"I.. I want to look.. better.. for Blaine.. I just wanted my body to look less.. wrong.. I have a pear shape. My hips are huge, you see. And I have this round, ugly baby-face and fat legs.. My belly is swollen and disgusting, my ass wiggles when I walk, there's fat hanging down my arms.."

Kurt bites his lip and fights the urge to cry. He has never told anyone his thoughts so truthfully and blunt. It hurts to think and talk about it so openly. To focus on what's wrong with his body. Subconsciously, Kurt squeezes the fat on his upper leg. He suddenly feels three times as big as a minute ago. He wonders if that means the therapy fails or works. It doesn't feel good, though.

"I know I can tell you you're far from fat, but you won't believe me, will you, Kurt?" Cameron asks gently. Kurt shakes his head, staring at his knees. "So, I'm not going to waste our conversation time on that."

Kurt looks back up, confused and impressed by her way of dealing with him. With his.. mindset. It makes him feel comfortable, though. So he smiles at her and nods, ready for her next question.

* * *

><p>When he slips back into his room, there's a noise in the bathroom. Kurt's eyes widen, when he realizes it's the sound of someone throwing up. He rushes to the small bathroom and finds Evan on his knees, in front of the toilet, coughing and panting. Kurt bites his lower lip and then kneels down next to the trembling body. He softly touches Evan's arm. The boy flinches and looks at Kurt, his grey eyes wide and teary. With a small smile, Kurt takes a piece of toilet paper and wipes Evan's mouth and chin.<p>

"Kurt.. What are you doing?" Evan's voice is a bit hoarse and weak.

"Cleaning you up. Taking care of you." Kurt replies, still smiling.

Evan blinks and stares at him, but remains quiet, while Kurt gets up and fills a plastic cup with water. He hands it to the boy, who uses the water to rinse his mouth, his expression still confused. Then, Kurt reaches out his hand, which Evan takes, letting Kurt pull him back up onto his feet.

"Kurt, I don't understa-"

"Sht.." Kurt softly presses his finger against Evan's lips and then pulls him into a slightly awkward hug. He's not sure if it's a smart move, especially because Evan is obviously straight and Kurt normally has issues with trusting and physical contact. But he just has a feeling it's what Evan needs – someone who comforts him, cares about him and _listens_to him. Someone who doesn't just tell him to eat, but tries to make him feel better. Happier. The way Blaine treated him. And even though Blaine is his boyfriend, Kurt thinks it should be okay for him to do this for Evan.

The boy doesn't attempt to push Kurt away. He freezes at first, but then starts to tremble more, soft sobs reaching Kurt's ears, his arms suddenly around Kurt's waist and his face buried in the oversized sweater Kurt chose to wear this morning.

"Kurt.. I'm sorry.. I know I shouldn't- I just.. I'm so fucked up, Kurt.. I'm sorry.."

"I know.. I know.. You're right to apologize, but you're just sick. Like.. Like me.. That's why we're here, right? I just.. I need you to stop purging, okay? It's really, really bad for you. Don't you want to get out of here? Get happy? This isn't the way, Evan. It's just not. I want to.. I want to believe in myself again."

Kurt doesn't know where the positive words come from. For a moment, he feels like Blaine is just talking through his mouth. It feels good to think about Blaine, though. So he smiles again and lets go of Evan, his hands remaining on the boy's shoulders.

"Look. Instead of making this a competition in fooling everyone as good as we can, we should.. help each other. Support healthy progress. What do you think?"

Evan shrugs weakly, looking away. "I don't know. I don't think I can.. give up on this."

"You can." Kurt instantly replies. "You can and you will."

"When did you become so.. caring and.. healthy?"

Kurt chuckles softly. "To be honest, I've always been a health freak. But my.. my friend, Blaine.. He's ridiculously positive, caring and forgiving, which seems to be contagious behaviour. He's also slightly naïve. Anyway, I want to show him I'm still strong, like I used to be. I want to.. I want to stop being so self-destructive. Will you please support me and let me help you? I can't do this alone and Blaine is in New York."

Kurt feels slightly guilty for not just coming out and telling Evan the truth about his relationship with Blaine. But for some reason, it feels like a really bad idea to tell someone you're gay, right after you've been hugging them tightly. To him, at least. So he decides to refrain from mentioning he has a boyfriend for now.

Evan fidgets a bit with his sleeves, still avoiding eye contact with his roommate. "I.. I guess.."

Kurt smiles and lets go of Evan's shoulders, before it gets too awkward. "Thank you."

"I take it you had a good conversation with Cameron today?"

"Yes, I did. She told me to remember the things that make me happy. So I thought of.. of Blaine.. Because he's just amazing, you know? And.. so.. I just.. I don't know."

"Do you have a crush on this guy or something?"

Kurt freezes slightly and pulls at his shirt. He could lie now, but he figures there's no use in being dishonest with someone he wants to help. "I.. He's.. He's kind of.. my boyfriend." He mutters, feeling terribly awkward and anxious.

Evan snorts. "Kurt, I knew you were gay from the moment I saw you, there's no need to get all awkward about the subject."

"You've recovered quickly from your emotional state." Kurt returns, a bit bitchier than planned.

"Chill, Kurt. I know there's a lot of homophobes in this world, but I grew up in New York. It's nothing new to me. I really don't mind being your roommate, okay? I'm fine with it."

Kurt nods, staring at the floor.

"Did you get a lot of shit because of it?" Evan asks, quietly.

Kurt nods, before looking back up, a sad smile on his face. "It's the past. I'm trying to stop letting it get to me."

Evan softly touches Kurt's shoulder. "Hey, we can be friends, right? I know the past can scar you. You need time to heal and that's totally normal."

"Thank you."

"It's nothing. So.. Let's go get ready for dinner, then.."

Kurt hesitates, but then nods. He wants to do this for Blaine. He will show the old, strong Kurt is still inside of him. Even though he still feels huge and disgusting – this is his chance to get his life back.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well, that didn't seem hard to write at all, did it? It was. Freaking hard. Please, review ; - ;<strong>


	19. Chapter 19: Blaine

**AN: Well, I don't know why it's getting harder to write this with every chapter, but it's probably because of the drama. I'm not going to rant too much, because you all want to know who Blaine called, so..  
><em>bow ties-coffee dates-duets<em>: Yes, Kurt mainly does it for Blaine right now. And I was already wondering why I didn't get a notification for my own story. I think it's fixed now, though.  
><em>ComeWhatMay-NOH8<em>: Hope is good, yes! Hopefully Evan will keep up his current attitude.  
><em>Sweet Porcelain loves Hobbit<em>: Yesh, 100% Dutch. Now you know why my English might fail. I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you for reading my other stories! They're one shots, but I love Death Note ^^  
><em>rockhawk<em>: Thank you so much!  
><em>Sunday morning on saturday<em>: no problem xD I think it will count for every chapter, though.  
><em>CaseyChimera<em>: Yes, Kurt should tell Blaine, but that thought apparently hasn't crossed his mind yet. And about the call: We'll find out now!**

**WARNING FOR SELF HARM TRIGGERS!**

* * *

><p>After finally taking a long shower, carefully picking out what clothes to wear and a drive of about fifteen minutes, Blaine is pacing nervously in front of the coffee shop. He's already late, but he's not sure about his decision yet. Was it a good idea to call someone to talk about Kurt? He knows his boyfriend will probably kill him for this. He certainly won't agree with the person Blaine picked to talk to.<p>

Maybe he was stupid and impulsive, making that call, without thinking about the consequences. He could send a text, saying he made a mistake and he's not coming. He could just turn around and go back home. But he's not sure how long he'll be able to keep all of this a secret. It's eating him from the inside out and he called the first person he could think of. So maybe it was good he did it. Blaine doesn't know anymore.

He takes a deep breath and opens the door, stepping inside. He easily spots the familiar face at a table. With a slightly nauseous and guilty feeling, he walks over to the table, smiling as brightly as he can manage while feeling sick.

"Blaine!" Before he can sit down, he is pulled into a hug, tears instantly sting his eyes just from having someone else's scent around him - he has felt so alone the last week. Ever since Kurt isn't home anymore (actually since Kurt got into the hospital), Blaine has had trouble sleeping, just because it's too quiet. So he returns the hug, feeling highly emotional.

"Hey, Rach. Thank you for coming. Sorry I'm late."

The tiny girl shakes her head. "It's fine, Blaine. Don't worry about it. Finn is always late. And a lot later than you. Sit down."

Blaine listens to her order, like a well-trained puppy, and sits himself down in the chair, opposite Rachel. A waitress appears, so he orders coffee, not even aware that he's giving her Kurt's usual coffee order, instead of his own. Rachel opens her mouth, but changes her mind and closes it again.

Blaine shifts awkwardly in his chair, when the waitress leaves to get his coffee. Rachel frowns and leans in closer. "Blaine, what's going on? Where is Kurt?"

"Kurt.. He's gone for a while, Rachel." Blaine replies, his throat feeling thick, exhaustion suddenly taking over his body.

"Oh my God, you didn't break up, did you? Are you guys on a break? Are you fighting? Do you need me to help you figure out Kurt?" Rachel rambles, while she stares at Blaine with wide eyes, worry visible in her face.

"No! No, our relationship is.. Well.. Fine.. We're not- We're not fighting." Blaine panics again, inwardly cursing himself for choosing Rachel Berry out of all people to talk about Kurt. Putting it in the Internet would spread the news slower.

"Then why do you look so stressed out? You look like hell, Blaine."

"Thanks for being honest, I guess." Blaine mutters in reply, looking away.

Rachel shakes her head and takes his hand in her own. "Blaine. You said you needed to talk. Talk. Because you're scaring me. "

Blaine takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. "Kurt is.. sick.." He hears Rachel gasp, while she squeezes his hand.

"Sick? What do you mean, sick? What happened? Where is he?"

Blaine opens his eyes, but he's not able to look into Rachel's eyes. He bites his lip and stares at their hands.

"Rachel.. Kurt.. Kurt has an eating disorder.. He.. He's at a clinic now. He passed out, Rach.. I just- I shouldn't be telling you. Kurt will kill me, but I can't.. I can't do this alone and you know him, I just thought- I just thought I could.. see you sometimes.. To- To talk.."

He glances up to look at Rachel's face. She looks stunned and confused - thoughtful. "An eating disorder? Kurt? But.. How?"

Blaine shakes his head. "I don't know, Rach. You remember Christmas?"

She nods. "Yeah, he was acting a bit strange. But I assumed it was because he's such a health freak. Or that he was worried about his father's health, because of the dinner." She frowns. "He was in the bathroom."

Blaine sighs and closes his eyes again. "We- I should have noticed it sooner. The morning after that, I saw his body. He looks like a skeleton, Rachel. His body is fucking _gone!_"

A few people look at him at his outburst and Blaine blushes and stares at the table. Rachel softly strokes his hand with her thumb. "Hey.. Blaine? It will be fine, right? He's getting help now, isn't he? You shouldn't blame yourself. Kurt is.. Well.. He's always pretending to be fine, while he's not. He doesn't know how to depend on other people. It's not your fault."

Blaine shrugs and swallows back his tears. "He- He will get better. I just feel alone, I guess. It- It hurts."

The waitress shows up with their order and Blaine has to take a sip from his scalding hot coffee, before realizing there's something wrong with it. It tastes like Kurt. Kurt's coffee. He blinks, tears in his eyes. Rachel notices and pats his hand. Blaine coughs and smiles at her. "I think I burned my tongue." The girl looks at him, but doesn't say anything about it.

Blaine puts down his cup again, keeping his fingers against the hot carton, burning the tips, but refusing to pull away.

"I'd like to see you sometimes, Blaine. I think it will be good for you if you have some distraction. I do have a rather full schedule, though. I mean, I have shows and everything.. Maybe I can get you a ticket! And if Kurt can come home for a weekend, he can come too." Rachel offers with a gentle smile.

Blaine nods and takes another sip from his coffee, which has cooled down a bit. He can't remember giving the waitress Kurt's coffee order instead of his own. It triggers memories of their good times together, coffee dates, holding hands, long conversations. And it hurts. But he doesn't want to show it, so he forces a smile on his face and attempts to have a conversation with Rachel, even though he doesn't really know what she's saying.

* * *

><p>When he gets home, Blaine feels exhausted and anxious. The place feels empty – too empty. He closes the door and instantly rushes to the bedroom, into the closet, curling up with one of Kurt's sweaters. It's not one of his oversized sweaters; he took all of those with him. It's a pretty, baby blue colored sweater. One of Kurt's favourite sweaters, before he started to wear the big clothes he wears now. He buries his nose in the fabric, desperate for Kurt's scent. It's almost gone, but still present and Blaine can't help but to start crying. He doesn't even know why he's clinging to a sweater, but he just needs a part of Kurt with him.<p>

His body is shaking and he's about to rip the sweater, the way he's holding on to it. It doesn't help. It's not enough. It hurts too much. So he gets back up on his feet, wobbly and not really seeing anything. He drags himself back into the bedroom and grabs Kurt's coat. The scent is clearer on the coat, because Kurt has worn it more recently. It drives him insane. Without thinking, he digs up the case from the pocket, stares at it, slightly breathless. Silent tears are streaming down his cheeks. He doesn't know what he's doing. Nothing feels real. He opens the case and picks up one of the razors, while sobs shake through his body. _It's not real. It's not real._

He stares at the shiny blade and pulls up his sleeve. There's some vague lines visible on his arm, but Kurt has never noticed them. They're only slightly darker than his skin. Blaine takes a deep breath and sits himself down on the bed. He glances back and forth between the razor and his bare skin. His Kurt is sick and he didn't notice. His Kurt didn't see how beautiful he is. Blaine has failed as a boyfriend, as a mentor, as a friend, as a human. The blade meets his skin. He doesn't instantly move it, he just takes in the feeling of the sharp metal against his warm skin. Then he drags it down. His eyes widen as the cut fills itself with blood, a thick stream of red makes its way down his arm and starts to drip onto the floor, soaking the carpet.

He gets up, drops the razor and rushes to the bathroom, instantly pulling some toilet paper from the roll and pressing it against his wound, to stop the flowing of the blood. His breathing is uneven and his body is shaking. But he's feeling. His mind is clear. It feels so good. Even though he's panicking about the amount of blood and the stains on his jeans and the carpet. Blaine bites his lip again and pulls up de toilet paper. The cut instantly fills itself with blood again. He quickly presses the paper back onto the wound.

Blaine feels desperate. He grabs his phone with his free hand, but doesn't know who to call. He thinks of calling Kurt, but Kurt doesn't even know about his past. Almost no-one does. And he's not going to tell Kurt through the phone. So he throws the phone onto the bed and grabs some tape to keep the toilet paper against his arm. Then he attempts to clean the carpet, after getting out of his jeans and throwing them in the washing machine, instantly turning it on to get the stains out.

The carpet is hard to clean and Blaine curses, while he keeps scrubbing. He wishes Kurt would just come back and hold him. Even though this wouldn't even have happened if Kurt was there. He doesn't blame his boyfriend, he blames himself for being so weak. Kurt is just the thing that makes him happy and careless. He doesn't know how to be without the other anymore. He needs him.

So he retrieves his phone and goes through his contacts until he gets to '**Kurt**'.

_'Hey, babe. I spilled hot chocolate on the carpet. You know a good way to get it out? I love you. And I miss you like crazy, beautiful. Love, Blaine.'_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay. That was hard. I'm gonna go sob now. Sorry, Blaine.<strong>


	20. Chapter 20: Kurt

**AN: Oh dear Cheesus, 100+ reviews, I'm dying. Thank you all so much!  
>I'm going to try to make my chapters a bit longer, but I think our boys need to be together to give me more to write about each chapter.<strong>  
><strong><em>Sunday morning on saturday<em>: Ha, my username is slightly creepy, but I love it xD  
><em>I Am A Boss Zefron Poster<em>: OMG, thank you so much. Yes, I'm constantly afraid I make stupid mistakes because English isn't my first language. Thank God for autocorrect and spelling checkers ~  
><em>ComeWhatMay-NOH8<em>: God, thank you so much. Your reviews are amazing! I'm planning on making this story pretty long, so I'm not even close to the end xD I'm going to try to cut down the drama a bit, though. Before it gets unrealistic and such.  
><em>Mcpakemeg<em>: I'm sorry! I know this story is depressing and I feel pretty much like an asshole for doing this to my favorite characters. Damnit.  
><em>fo-mie<em>: I know right. Blaine, be strong for your Kurt ; - ;**

**Enjoy our next Kurt chapter, with some information about the development of his disorder, as requested earlier.  
>Again, thank you all so much for the reviews. I still can't believe I got over 100 of them. OMG. <strong>

* * *

><p>Kurt is slowly making progress. The therapy sessions with Cameron help to clear his head a bit, even though he still has some trouble opening up to anyone. It's mainly when he's laying in bed, waiting for Blaine's call, when he starts to think about his past. He tries his hardest to tell Cameron about it. In his third week, he's able to open up a bit, when she asks him when he started to pay attention to his body shape. After some thinking, Kurt can remember it pretty clearly.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Porcelain, get your ass over here!" Sue Sylvester's voice sounded through the hallway of McKinley High. Kurt turned around and walked over to the coach, his hips swaying a bit in his Cheerleader uniform. A confused expression was visible on his face. <em>

_"Yes, coach?" He replied as politely as possible, as soon as he had reached the woman._

_"You need more practice and you better get yourself some good work out. Your body looks the same as those of the girls. It's a joke, Porcelain. If it wasn't for the fact that you're not wearing a skirt, I might confuse you for a girl. So you better shake your ass a bit more at your Glee club, no matter how stupid it looks. My cheerleaders need to be in shape. And I don't mean the pear kind."_

_Kurt blinked and opened his mouth to reply, but Sue had already walked back into her office and slammed the door shut. With a frown of confusion, he shuffled towards the nearest bathroom. Curiously and slightly upset, he studied his body in the mirror. He didn't exactly see anything wrong about it. The tight pants actually looked nice on his ass and legs._

_He turned a bit and concentrated on his hips. Maybe they were slightly broader than those of other guys his age, but he had never really paid that much attention to his shape. As long as he could combine the right clothes to look good, it didn't matter what shape he had. Or did it? Did he look too female?_

_He made another turn and shook his hips a bit. Nothing wrong with those, was there? He smiled and shrugged. Maybe if he just tried a bit harder at practice and ate more vegetables, he'd be fine._

* * *

><p>"So, your coach told you your body was wrong?" Cameron asks Kurt. He nods, staring down at his folded hands. The woman shakes her head, dark curls bounce at the sides of her face. She reminds Kurt of Blaine a bit, even though she doesn't have his brown eyes, or his tanned skin. Apart from that, she could have been his sister, with her patience, gentle tone and even her height.<p>

"I wanted to please her, because I wanted to impress her and my father. I liked being one of the Cheerios. I didn't really get bullied anymore and I had a pretty solid schedule, with both Glee Club and Cheerios practice." He tells her. Cameron nods and smiles gently at him.

"So, that's where it started, isn't it? Tell me a bit about what happened after. You did as she asked?"

"Yes.. Yes, I did."

* * *

><p><em>Kurt worked hard and actually dropped quite a few pounds from dancing and cheerleading. His muscles started to show and he loved it. Kurt had noticed there had been some baby fat in his face, only because it was disappearing. He felt healthy and gorgeous. His body was getting perfect.<em>

_When Kurt quit the Cheerios, he didn't really think about how it would affect his body. It was only after some comments ("Are you sure that's healthy?" - Burt, "Dude, you eat more than I do." - Finn, and "I knew your baby fat was just hiding somewhere." - Santana.), Kurt was getting more and more self-conscious about his body, especially his hips._

_His hips, it started with his hips. The more he looked at them, the clearer he could see the pear shape Sue had ben talking about. It never fully disappeared. Kurt wondered if he was just born with a more feminine body. But then he started to inspect his whole body, checked his weight and decided that he could lose some more weight._

_So he started to sport again, worked out in his room, trained his flexibility and strength. After dropping about 11 pounds, Kurt was satisfied. He did just enough to make sure he stayed around that weight, but stopped pushing himself to lose more. But then he met Blaine._

_Because of the damn blazer, Kurt couldn't really see Blaine's body until Rachel's party, where he was wearing a normal sweater. Even then, he couldn't make out that much._

_The first time they started to explore each other's bodies more, Kurt was completely blown away by Blaine's muscles. He'd always had a thing for men with muscles, but combined with the warm, tanned skin and dark, curly hair, Blaine was just perfect. Kurt loved touching his arms, tracing his chest with his fingertips, letting his eyes roam over Blaine's ass. But suddenly, Kurt was pulled back into his insecurity. If Blaine had this perfect body, wasn't he be terribly disappointed with Kurt's?_

_Incidents from the past started to hit him again - people calling him lazy or squeezing his cheeks and arms. He tried to push them out of his head, because he was sure Blaine loved him the way he was. He kept calling Kurt beautiful and perfect, even though Kurt didn't ask for it and it felt good. He forced himself to accept his slightly feminine hips and legs, because Blaine didn't mind touching them and even though Kurt felt like Blaine deserved better, he wasn't going to bring it up, in case Blaine would really leave._

_When they moved to New York together and Kurt started his study, he found himself judging his body again. The fashion industry was holding up this image of the perfect body, both for men and women. Long and thin was good, short and chubby or fat wasn't flattering at all. Clothes were made to make you look as skinny as possible. Models were forced to eat healthy and weren't allowed to gain a single pound._

_Kurt wasn't thin. He was frail, yes. But not thin. He was still stuck with his pear shaped body. It made him desperate. He read articles about people starving themselves, about diets with weird foods, about reaching the perfect weight. They were all over the magazines that he had to read for his study. He read about eating disorders, felt bad for the people who have one, then judged them and swore he'd never be stupid enough to fall into a disease like that. Never._

_But he kept judging his body, his weight, his shape. Every time he went out with Blaine, he'd get jealous of guys with muscles and perfectly shaped bodies. And he got paranoid. Scared that Blaine would leave him for one of them. So he made up his mind. Maybe if he just ate less, he'd lose a bit more._

_But it was never low enough, because the damn pear shape wouldn't go away and Kurt could swear his body wasn't changing at all. __Still chubby. Still replaceable. Still not perfect._

* * *

><p>Cameron reaches over the desk and takes Kurt's hand in her own. He flinches slightly and stares at her. "Kurt, I'm really proud of you for sharing this. You need to know that. You're making great progress, alright?"<p>

Kurt smiles at her and nods, feeling a bit better, even though there's still tears stinging his eyes, from reliving the memories. "It- It feels good to talk about it." He chokes out.

Cameron pats his hand. "That's a good thing, Kurt. Go have a break now, okay?"

* * *

><p>It's been about 5 weeks since Kurt arrived at the clinic and he's getting healthier, stronger. He's gaining weight and with some force, he has picked up a normal eating pattern of three meals a day. He has managed to stop Evan from throwing up his food almost every day, only failing one or two times, because the boy locked the door to the bathroom, ignoring Kurt's pleading words. After another short, encouraging conversation, he manages to talk Evan into leaving the door open, so he can help him.<p>

Kurt is confused and a bit afraid, when Emily asks him to come to her office for a conversation. He doesn't feel like he did anything wrong, but maybe they don't approve of him trying to help Evan, because he has to do it by himself. After entering the room, Emily motions for him to sit down. Kurt does as he's told, his eyes wide with worry.

"Kurt, how do you feel?" She asks him, as soon as he's sitting down. Kurt blinks and shrugs.

"I suppose I feel alright. My head doesn't hurt anymore and I'm less tired." He replies, quietly. He's a bit embarrassed, because they're signs that he's eating enough. Signs that he's had enough calories. Calories that make him gain. He resists the urge to slap himself. He needs to stop thinking. Thinking is bad. Thinking pulls him back.

Emily nods and write something down. "Alright, we want to keep you here for a few more weeks, but you're making great progress, so we have decided you can go home for the weekend, if you're okay with that."

Kurt stares at her, his heart beating loudly in his chest. He wants to go home, he hasn't seen Blaine for over a month and he misses his boyfriend so much, it makes his heart ache. Just the sound of his voice every night isn't enough. But he's scared he's not strong enough and he'll fall back into his old pattern. He digs his nails into his arm, where the pink, faded lines are still visible.

Then he remembers it's almost Blaine's birthday, meaning he has to get over his fear and try to get back to his old life, outside the clinic. So he nods and smiles at Emily. "I'd absolutely love that. I can't wait to see Blaine again." He replies.

Emily returns his smile. "Very well, I'll contact Blaine, so he can pick you up tomorrow, alright?"

Only then, Kurt realises it's Friday already. He can see Blaine tomorrow. His heartbeat speeds up again. "Yes, please. Thank you so much."

Emily shakes her head. "It's fine, Kurt. You did this yourself. You're smart and strong. I'm very proud of you. We all are." She tells him.

Kurt smiles and gets up. He then almost runs back to his room to text Blaine. He can't keep it to himself any longer.

'_Blaine? I'm allowed to come home for the weekend! _

_Tomorrow I will finally see you again! _

_x Kurt.'_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yay! Happier scenes are good!<strong>


	21. Chapter 21: Blaine

**AN: Okay, this is a longer chapter. 2210 words, while I'm normally around 1600/1700. So, I hope you guys like it xD**  
><strong><em>Sunday morning on saturday<em>: I think crying is healthy. It should be. If it is, I'm totally healthy.**  
><strong><em>CaseyChimera<em>: That's good! You should know me by now, though. I can't promise you happy times xD  
><em>extraflamycandle<em>: Thank you so much! *Sobs*  
><em>ComeWhatMay-NOH8<em>: OMG, thank you. I was a bit nervous about making it too sudden, but I think it worked out well ~**

**Lyrics at the beginning are from Masterpiece Theatre III, lyrics at the end are from All To Myself, both songs by Marianas Trench.**

* * *

><p>'<em>I've got a new disease in me,<br>I've got a friend that's losing sleep.  
>I take it hard, it's hard to take,<br>I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake.'_

* * *

><p>After receiving Kurt's text and later the call from Emily, Blaine feels both happy and a bit sick. He really can't wait to see Kurt again and he's relieved his boyfriend has made progress, so he's able to come home for the weekend. But his arms are a mess – after his slip, he tried to quit, but it was so much easier to just fall back into his old pattern. So he decides to just wear long sleeves for the entire weekend and focus on cleaning up the house instead. There's trash everywhere, stains and weird smells. Blaine picks up as much as he can, until the trashcan is completely full. Then he gets the vacuum cleaner and starts to clean up the rest. He attempts to do the dishes as well as he can manage and walks around the house with water and soap.<p>

When everything smells like flowers and not like rotting food or sweat, Blaine lets himself fall down on the couch and closes his tired eyes. He curls up with one of Kurt's vests, takes in the scent and tries to picture Kurt laying on top of him. It's a nice thought and it calms him down. He takes a deep breath and gets up to shower and change into his pyjamas. The water stings his newest cuts and he bites his lip, to keep himself from cursing out loud.

When he gets into his bed, covered with his warm blankets, tears start to sting his eyes again. He hits himself, against his arm, cuts stinging again. "Stop fucking crying, Anderson." He hisses to himself. He has to try to be strong again, for Kurt. Kurt would come home tomorrow. For the first time in five weeks. And he's making progress, so Blaine can't ruin it by letting him know how fucked up he's gotten while Kurt was away. He will make this weekend perfect. Kurt needs to get better.

* * *

><p>"Hey, you." Kurt is biting his lip, apparently feeling a bit nervous. Blaine feels the tension. It's been so long. Still, Kurt doesn't seem to want to keep it like that for too long, because he puts down his bag and shuffles closer to Blaine, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his cheek on Blaine's shoulder. He sighs softly.<p>

"I missed you." He breathes. Blaine smiles weakly and wraps his aching arms around the frail body. He can feel less bones than the last time he held Kurt, which makes him feel relieved and less depressed.

"I missed you too, baby." He replies gently, as he pulls Kurt a bit closer. The boy whimpers softly and Blaine loosens his grip. "What's wrong?"

Kurt shakes his head, blushing lightly. "Just want to go home." Blaine blinks and then smiles as realization hits him. Well, he wouldn't say no to a needy Kurt, would he?

* * *

><p>The ride home is silent but comfortable and when Kurt enters the house, Blaine can't help but notice how nervous his boyfriend is. So he wraps an arm around Kurt's shoulders and smiles at him. "Welcome home."<p>

"You cleaned for me." Kurt replies with a smile. Blaine nods, not adding how he's been living in a complete mess for the last few weeks. Kurt carefully sits himself down on the couch and Blaine curls up next to him. There's a short silence.

"Wanna watch a movie?" Blaine asks, feeling slightly awkward. Kurt looks up and his beautiful eyes meet Blaine's. "I'd love to. Disney?"

Blaine smiles. "Disney."

He gets up to pick out a DVD from their stash and Kurt is humming softly on the couch, grabbing a blanket and wrapping himself in it. "Are you cold?" Blaine asks.

Kurt shrugs. "I just want to cuddle."

Blaine smiles and puts on Beauty and the Beast. It's one of Kurt's favourites. He joins Kurt on the couch, underneath the blanket and holds him close. "Is this okay?" He asks, feeling a bit nervous.

Kurt nods and nuzzles closer against Blaine. "It's good to feel you." He replies softly.

Blaine feels exhausted, especially after driving to the clinic and back, so when they're only about ten minutes into the movie, he slowly dozes off to sleep.

* * *

><p>When Blaine wakes up again, Kurt is asleep in his arms, breathing softly. The movie has ended and the soft music of the title menu is playing in the background. Blaine yawns and checks his watch. It's 5:30pm. He curses inwardly and softly strokes Kurt's arm to wake him up.<p>

"Hmm.. Evan, lemme sleep.."

Blaine instantly retreats his hand as if he burned it. Evan? Wasn't that Kurt's roommate? A weird feeling builds up in his body. Jealousy and paranoia. He bites his lip to keep himself from screaming, but then he shakes Kurt a bit harder than planned. "Kurt. Wake up."

The boy groans and slowly blinks his eyes open. "Blaine?"

"Yes. Blaine." Blaine repeats, feeling upset. The paranoid feeling won't leave his body.

Kurt turns around to look at Blaine and frowns. "Blaine, what's wrong?"

"You called me Evan." The words have left his lips before he can stop himself. Kurt's eyes widen. Then the boy smiles at Blaine. "I've gotten too used to sharing a room with him." He says.

Blaine glares at Kurt and clenches his fists. "Oh." Is all he says.

Kurt blinks and then shakes his head. "Blaine, don't think that. I didn't cheat on you, alright? Evan is straight. He has a crush on Emily. Please, don't look at me like that."

Blaine looks away and tries to process Kurt's words. He tries to swallow, but his throat feels dry. Then he shakes his head and gets up. His eyes find Kurt's again.

"What do you want to.. eat? I mean.. I thought of taking you out to dinner or ordering pizza or whatever, but that wouldn't be appropriate, would it?" He forces a smile on his face and Kurt looks away, pulling at the sleeve of his shirt. "I don't think I can handle that, no.." He replies softly, sounding a bit embarrassed.

Blaine sighs and strokes Kurt's cheek – he's still a bit stuck in his habit of trying to touch Kurt without making him feel uncomfortable. "It's okay. I understand. We can make something together, like we used to?"

Kurt's eyes light up and he nods. Blaine leads Kurt to the kitchen and starts to look through the cupboards and the fridge. He finds different kinds of vegetables, but they don't look too great, since Blaine hasn't had a proper meal in days. He hasn't even bothered to buy anything. Now he feels stupid for forgetting to get food, while he knew Kurt would come home.

He clears his throat and scratches the back of his head. "Er.. I forgot to go to the store.. I could go get something now, they should still be open."

Kurt makes a soft, scared noise and Blaine hisses in pain when the boy grabs him by his arm. "Blaine, what's wrong? There's nothing to eat here. Haven't you been eating?"

Blaine tries to ignore the burning feeling in his arm, while he attempts to stop clenching his teeth. "I skipped a few days, because I was too tired after work." He confesses. "I mostly ate pizza the other days."

He doesn't dare to look at Kurt, he can feel his boyfriend's eyes on him - judging and confused. "Blaine, look at me."

"Kurt, don't. I was alone and I'm not that good at planning and keeping everything in order as you." He says a bit angrier than he intended.

Kurt sighs and wraps his arms around Blaine. Blaine flinches slightly at the contact.

"I'm sorry, Blaine. I know it must have been hard.. But you need to take care of yourself for me, okay? I'm getting better, don't skip eating."

Blaine shrugs and slowly pries Kurt's arms from his waist. "Come on, we're going to get some food. You help me find something healthy, okay?"

He feels guilty for snapping at Kurt. He should be gentle and careful, not act emotional and angry. He grabs his keys and helps Kurt into his coat. He puts on his own, while Kurt ties his boots.

"Alright, let's go."

* * *

><p>Kurt helps him pick out some fresh vegetables and seems to be enjoying himself, spending time in the grocery store with Blaine. It makes Blaine happy to see Kurt a lot more relaxed than before he got admitted to the clinic.<p>

After about half an hour, they're back at the apartment. With some help from Kurt, Blaine manages to make them a decent meal, even though it's already about 7:00pm at this point. Blaine is worried he's messing up Kurt's eating pattern like this, but is glad to see the boy finishes the plate Blaine has put down in front of him. It makes him so happy, he pulls Kurt into another tight hug and whispers praises into his ear while kissing his neck. Kurt remains quiet, but blushes slightly. He's smiling.

When they've finished washing up, Kurt drags Blaine with him to the bedroom. Blaine is surprised by the sudden need of his boyfriend and doesn't struggle when Kurt pushes him down onto the bed and crawls on top of him. Over a month without getting touched has apparently made both of them hungry and desperate.

Blaine groans when Kurt starts to kiss him and lets his hands slip up underneath his shirt. Suddenly he panics, because Kurt is trying to take off the piece of clothing and he's slapped back into reality as he remembers the disaster on his arms. So he struggles away from Kurt's hands, earning a confused whine from the taller boy. Kurt's hands are back, tugging up his shirt and Blaine pushes him away with more force, accidentally almost pushing Kurt off of the bed.

Wide, glasz eyes meet his – filled with confusion and doubt. "Blaine, what are you doing?"

Blaine quickly shakes his head. "Sorry, I- I'm just really tired."

"No, you're not." Kurt replies. He lifts Blaine's chin, forcing the boy to look him in the eyes. Blaine simply closes his eyes, unable to look at his boyfriend. "Blaine, talk to me."

Blaine bites his bottom lip, remaining silent. Kurt is still sitting on top of him, unmoving. "Blaine?"

Blaine knows he can't keep on hiding and slowly lifts his arms, so Kurt can take off his shirt. He refuses to open his eyes to see his lover's reaction, while Kurt slowly pulls the shirt over his head. A small gasp is audible and suddenly Kurt is gone. Blaine opens his eyes, panicking. Kurt is next to him, his hand pressed against his mouth, eyes filled with tears and shock. "Blaine, what-"

Blaine curls up on the bed, his eyes on Kurt, but avoiding his gaze. "I probably can't explain this without upsetting you even more, so do you want me to explain?" He says softly.

"Please, explain." Is Kurt's short, slightly snappy answer.

Blaine curls up further into himself, feeling a bit scared, still unable to look Kurt in the eye. "I used to.. do this before I met you." He starts carefully. "I guess I let the hate get to me. I believed I was wrong and deserved to die. But then I met you and your strength made me stronger, Kurt. And- I-" He glances down at his arms. "It was so hard with you gone and I had those razors that I took from you and I- I couldn't-"

Tears are streaming down his face and suddenly there's two thin, but strong arms around him, pulling him close. Blaine lets himself get comforted by Kurt's chest, scent and voice. "Sht, Blaine, breathe. It's okay. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me? I would never have let you leave with those razors if you told me."

Blaine shrugs and lets out a soft sob. "I guess I thought I was stronger. I didn't even think about it when I took them. When I got home, I saw them and I tried to ignore them, but I couldn't keep ignoring them, so one day I just-"

Kurt's fingers are in his dark curls, massaging his neck, soothing him with his body and voice. "Oh, Blaine.. Please, don't do that anymore.. God, I'm sorry. I love you, Blaine. Please, you need to stop."

Blaine can only nod and move closer to Kurt, who is now stroking the wounds on his arms. It hurts a bit, but at least it doesn't burn. Then Kurt pulls up his arm and presses his lips against the cuts.

_"I love you.. I love you.."_

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><p><em>'<em>_I don't patronize__, __I realize,__  
>I'm losing and this is my real life.<br>I'm half asleep __and I am wide awake,__  
>This habit is always so hard to break.<br>I don't want to be the bad guy,  
>I've been blaming myself and I think you know why.<br>I'm killing time and time's killing you,  
>Every way that I do.'<em>


	22. Chapter 22: Kurt

**AN: Took me a while to get this up. To the people who haven't noticed; I have started another Klaine story, called In Your Cage. It's for the people who want more fluff and smut and less angst. I write to express and to please. Because this story is just not really good smut material.  
><em>ComeWhatMay-NOH8<em>: Yes, Blaine isn't being really smart ;w; But I'm planning on a happy Klaine ending!  
><em>Kayleda<em>: Thank you so much! Yes, crying is completely normal while reading this story. It's drama, angst and more drama. And sobbing.  
><em>CaseyChimera<em>: I'm sorry ; _ ; As I said, this story doesn't have MUCH smut potential, since both Kurt and Blaine have issues and Kurt's are revolving around his body (as you might have noticed in the 'smutty' chapter I posted before). I can add lots of fluff, though. Soon. One day.  
><strong>**Thank you all for the amazing reviews. I'm at 117 and I can't believe it. Sorry if I don't reply on all of them, but the ones I reply on should answer all the questions. If I didn't mention you; thank you for reviewing and reading my story! I love every single one of you guys! *Sobs***

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><p>When Kurt wakes up the next morning, he needs a moment to remember where he is. He expected to hear Evan's snoring or the sound of the shower running, but instead he's welcomed back into reality by two strong, tanned arms around him. Arms covered in angry, red lines.<p>

Luckily, Kurt remembers it's Blaine before he freaks out. Right, he's home. With Blaine. Blaine has been cutting himself. Blaine had cut himself before he met Kurt. Blaine started again _because of him_. It's almost too much and too painful to process. How did things turn out like this?

Kurt turns around slowly, trying not to wake up Blaine, but his boyfriend groans softly and blinks, his eyes on Kurt. "_Kurt.._" He breathes softly. Kurt nods and presses a kiss on Blaine's dry lips. "Hey."

It takes a lot of self-control, not to freak out over the cuts. Yesterday, Kurt had felt hurt, confused and upset. He tried his hardest to hide it, though. Knowing the feeling, he didn't want to upset Blaine even more. Or make him feel guilty, probably worsening the whole situation. So he forced himself to stay calm and comfort Blaine, instead of getting angry and showing how upset he really felt.

Kurt wants to kiss Blaine again, but then the shorter boy is suddenly crying and Kurt doesn't really know what to do. So he wraps his arms around Blaine, feeling the body shake in his arms. "Blaine, sht.. Breathe. I'm here. Kurtie is here.." His words make Blaine sob even harder, his arms are tightly wrapped around Kurt's waist, leaving him feeling a bit uncomfortable, especially after his gaining. Blaine is pulling him closer and Kurt tries to breathe normally, even though the uncomfortable feeling is building up inside of him. He fights the urge to push Blaine away en softly brushes his fingers through the loose, dark curls instead.

It takes a while for Blaine's sobs to fade away into silence, the only sound left being Kurt's shushing in Blaine's ear. He's softly rubbing Blaine's back, the boy still clinging to Kurt, even after he has stopped crying.

"I'm sorry." He then chokes out. Kurt shakes his head and presses a kiss on top of Blaine's curls.

"It's okay, baby. It's okay." He glances at the alarm clock on their nightstand and sits up straighter, slowly letting go of Blaine. "It's 10am, we should eat something. Let me make you breakfast." He says gently. Blaine blinks and then nods, looking tired. So Kurt tucks him in and kisses his lips. "You get some rest."

Kurt manages to make them a decent breakfast, glad they went to the store to get food. He looks around the house and notices that Blaine's clothes are randomly stuffed inside the closet, his own clothes are scattered around the house and all their plants have died. Kurt is glad they don't own any pets right now. Blaine had been right when he said he's bad at organizing and cleaning. There are dirty spots everywhere, even though it looks like Blaine tried to clean, he obviously missed quite some spots. Kurt already noticed some the day before, but he didn't want to upset Blaine, who seemed to have tried his best to make everything look good for Kurt.

When he enters the bathroom, he instantly notices his case with razors, hastily stuffed between a stack of towels. Kurt shakes his head and takes the plastic case in his hands. He opens it and stares at the razors for a moments, before picking one up. "Blaine. I'm sorry." He breathes softly. Then he puts the razor back and empties the entire case into the toilet, like Blaine did with the other razor. He watches the pieces of metal getting sucked away, as he flushes the toilet. At least that was something.

Kurt doesn't know where the sudden strength comes from, but it feels good to know he's doing something smart and healthy - the feeling he keeps on trying to get whenever he eats something, except he hasn't been able to yet.

He returns to the bedroom, where Blaine has been sleeping for some time now. Kurt smiles, but the smile fades as he notices Blaine's expression; He looks scared and upset and is clinging to Kurt's pillow. Kurt crawls onto the bed and kisses Blaine's neck to wake him up. Blaine mumbles something Kurt can't understand, until he recognizes his name. "Blaine, wake up. I made breakfast."

Blaine groans and opens his eyes, looking disorientated and confused. Kurt just smiles and presses another sweet kiss in Blaine's neck. Blaine replies by wrapping his arms around Kurt and pulling him closer. "My beautiful Kurt." He mumbles softly, before nibbling on Kurt's ear. It makes Kurt's blood rush South and for a moment he can't think straight. It makes him happy to be called beautiful, though. He just wishes he could believe he really is beautiful. So he kisses Blaine's lips and then softly nudges his arm.

"Come eat something." He whispers. Blaine nods and slowly gets up, his arms still wrapped around Kurt's thin waist. He attempts to attack Kurt's neck with kisses, but Kurt gently shifts away, leaving the bed. "Get up, lazy pants." He says with a grin. Blaine groans and lets himself slide out of the bed, following Kurt to the kitchen, where he has put down a plate of toast with scrambled eggs.

Blaine sits down and instantly attacks the food as if he hasn't eaten for weeks. Kurt watches him with a smile. It takes about 5 minutes for Blaine to finish half of the plate. Then he looks up at Kurt. "You're not going to eat?"

Kurt shrugs, feeling a bit awkward. He fills a glass with water and joins Blaine at the table. "I made it for you."

Blaine then glares at him, apparently not buying his attempt to brush it off. "Kurt." He says with a hint of a warning in his voice. Kurt looks down at his glass, shifting a bit on his chair.

"I'm not hungry." He replies.

He's startled by a loud crash when Blaine's chair falls backwards, caused by the boy standing up too fast. "I'm making you some fucking eggs you're going to eat all of it, Kurt. I thought you were getting better, so quit the pathetic bullshit!"

Kurt stares at Blaine with wide eyes, tears welling up. "Blaine." He squeaks out, his heart aching in his chest. He hates it when Blaine gets angry, especially now, because he has stayed calm about the cutting and actually helped him, by comforting him and throwing the razors away. Though Blaine doesn't know about the last part yet. He decides this isn't the right time to tell him either.

Honestly? Blaine's sudden mood swings have never come up in their conversations. They don't occur often, but Blaine has moments in which he suddenly lashes out on people. He's done it before, towards Finn, but mostly towards Kurt. Kurt has never said anything, because it's mainly a sign that Blaine feels confused about something. He's noticed the treat in Finn too, a few times. Apparently Blaine can't handle it well when he doesn't understand something. _Things like Kurt's disease._

It scares Kurt when Blaine gets angry like that. He doesn't quite know how to deal with it. When Blaine is just upset, Kurt can hold him until his walls break down and then he comforts his boyfriend – like this morning. But when he's angry like this and starts to yell at Kurt, it's just upsetting and leaves Kurt feeling desperate. The anger never stays long, but after Blaine self-destructive behavior, Kurt is scared he'll do something stupid.

So he watches closely, alert, how Blaine breaks eggs and starts to bake them. He puts two slices of bread in the toaster, his actions all looking slightly aggressive. Kurt concentrates on his own breathing, to control his racing heart, eyes following Blaine's movements. Tears are stinging in his eyes as he replays Blaine's harsh words in his head. He was right, though. Kurt was being pathetic. He is being a filthy hypocrite, considering how he's been talking Evan into getting better. It doesn't mean it's easy, though. He still feels fat and disgusting when he looks at his reflection in the mirror. He still pulls at the fat on his sides and legs and ass.

Blaine puts down a plate in front of him with quite some force. Kurt is surprised the plate doesn't break as it crashes down onto the table. The scent of scrambled eggs, freshly baked, warm toast and still melting butter is entering his nose, making his empty stomach growl.

"Eat." Blaine commands.

Kurt stares at the food, feeling sick. His old thoughts are coming back. He doesn't want this. _Calories, calories, calories_. Fat Kurt. _Fat, pathetic Kurt_. "No." He says. "I can't eat this. It's greasy."

There's a sting in his cheek that he registers, before he actually realises Blaine just slapped him. "Fucking eat, Kurt. I'm not letting you relapse here. Eat the fucking eggs, right now."

Tears are sliding down his cheeks and his body is trembling. Blaine is being mean and insensitive and it hurts. He has the urge to push the plate away, but he doesn't want to risk Blaine getting physical. So he slowly picks up a piece of toast and takes a bite. The butter melts on his tongue (fat, calories, disgusting) and he has to fight against his urge to gag when he swallows the bite.

"Go on." Blaine says, impatiently.

Kurt clenches his free hand into a fist. More tears are sliding down and soft sobs are shaking through his body, while he continues eating. Every bite is torture and terrifying, but what scares him most right now is Blaine.

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><p>The ride back to the clinic is silent with a heavy, uncomfortable atmosphere. Kurt has eaten everything on the plate and feels terribly fat, swollen and upset. Blaine is still angry and hasn't said a word to Kurt since he commanded him to finish his plate. It makes Kurt want to curl up on his bed and cry until he passes out.<p>

When they reach the familiar building, Blaine doesn't even make an attempt to leave the car. He just remains behind the wheel, apparently waiting for Kurt to leave by himself. But Kurt can't do that – no matter how much Blaine is hurting him now, he can't just leave without making up or at least trying to. So he moves closer and sits down onto Blaine's lap, who glares at him with a mixture between annoyance and confusion. Kurt lets his long legs straddle Blaine's upper legs and leans in closer to capture his boyfriend's lips.

First, Blaine tries to push him away, but soon he's replying roughly on the kiss. Kurt notices the hot tears, as they drip onto Kurt's jeans. His eyes widen in worry and guilt.

"Oh, Blaine. Don't- Don't cry. I'm so sorry. You were right. I'm just being pathe-"

He gets shut up by Blaine's warm lips and tongue, successfully silencing him, while Blaine's arms wrap themselves around Kurt's waist. Kurt lets out a soft whimper and pulls back after a few minutes, to catch his breath. Blaine is still holding on to him.

"Kurt."

"Hmm?"

"I love you. I'm sorry for getting angry like that. I'm just- I already feel bad about the.. the cutting and.. I really, really don't want to cause you to relapse. You are doing so well and I managed to fuck it all up in a _weekend_. I'm a terrible boyfriend and I should support you and I do, but I don't really show it, do I? And-"

Kurt presses his lips against Blaine's again, shutting _him _up this time. "Blaine, it's not your fault. I'm still not better. I guess they were just right; I'm not ready to go back home yet. But that's okay. I really loved seeing you and feeling you again. I freaked out, especially after you got angry. I just lost it, because I fell back into my old thoughts. I need this place for a bit longer."

Blaine nods and closes his eyes, resting his cheek against Kurt's chest. "I really miss you."

"I miss you too." Kurt says softly. He lifts up Blaine's chin and softly kisses his lips. "I love you."

Blaine smiles weakly. "I love you too."

"I- I should get inside."

"Let me help you with your bag."

Kurt nods and allows Blaine to carry his bag, while they enter the building. Emily greets them with a "Handsome boy you got there, Kurt."

Kurt blushes and feels Blaine's hand brush against his. He gratefully lets his fingers slip between Blaine's. His boyfriend squeezes his hand softly and when Kurt looks at him, he catches Blaine's smile.

They reach Kurt's room and Blaine puts Kurt's bag down on his bed. Then he pulls Kurt into another kiss. "I wish I could see you more often. I don't want to wait another month." He breathes into Kurt's air.

Kurt bites his lip and nods. "I-"

Before he can continue his sentence, he's startled by a noise, coming from their bathroom. It sounds like a dull thud. Kurt frowns. "Evan?"

No answer. Kurt starts to feel slightly worried. Blaine's arm slips around his waist and Kurt can feel in the embrace how tense Blaine is.

"Ev? Evan?"

"We need to go in, Kurt." Blaine whispers.

Kurt nods and walks over to the door that connects their room to the bathroom. He knocks once, calling Evan's name again, and then opens the door, his eyes instantly widening. "_Oh my God_."

"Kurt? What's wrong?" Blaine sounds a bit scared.

"Blaine.. Get Emily."

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><p><strong>AN: Yup, more angst, another cliffhanger. I'm super evil and I know it.<strong>


	23. Chapter 23: Blaine

**(Huge) AN:**  
><strong>I understand some people think I went overboard with making Blaine hit Kurt. I'm sorry if you feel that way and I hope you will allow me to explain it a bit (the reason I wrote it like that, because in my head it makes perfect sense). I've had a similar situation - not completely, but I was the one who got physical ^^' - anyway, Blaine has been on the edge since Kurt left. He's broken, still confused and alone. He's been trying to distract himself with work, resulting in him neglecting the apartment and himself - barely taking time to eat or sleep. This may sound dramatic, but I'm not really making anything more dramatic than I should, in my opinion. <strong>

**In Glee, we've seen Blaine getting angry, having sudden mood swings, quite a few times. He's been hurt a lot in his past. He got angry at Finn multiple times, at Kurt too - suddenly changing from hurt to angry, because he couldn't understand Kurt's reaction or Finn's behavior. **

** No, I don't think Blaine would get abusive easily, but if we combine his personality (at least the image I have of Blaine from what I've seen), with the situation and the fact that he's been on the edge for weeks, breaking down, hating himself, still unable to understand why Kurt would feel like that about himself and actually lied to Blaine about almost everything, there's a lot of confusion and anger inside of him. And, no, that's not even directed at Kurt, but it wasn't like he planned to suddenly lash out on his boyfriend, who he's mainly terribly worried about. He didn't mean to hit Kurt and I will not brush it off like it's nothing, because this is Blaine's chapter and he will apologize and feel terrible about it. I know it was very serious and wrong, but to me it was realistic. I hope that helped. **

**I'm not upset or angry (I feel the need to add that I'm terrible with taking criticism, but I'm not going to blame that on anyone but myself). I understand that maybe I didn't explain enough why, but it was also Kurt's POV, so there wasn't much to tell you about why Blaine did it, except through his words (which weren't much, because it mainly caused a war in his head). So this chapter will have Blaine's thoughts, maybe to explain some more. I hope you can understand why I wrote it like that.**

**Okay, so, I'm sorry it took about 2 weeks for me to update. I wasn't really in the right mood or something and I had some difficulty writing Blaine's feelings. Yes, this chapter is mostly feelings and also some adorable Klaine fluff.**

**HyperAndProudOfIt: Thank you so much! Yes, I am writing from personal experience. It works best for me. Sorry to hear you struggle with self harm. I hope you'll be able to quit soon, even though I know it's not easy at all.**  
><strong><span>storycreater10<span>: I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad to hear I'm keeping it realistic. I'm trying to be as honest and down to earth as I can here. It means a lot to me that you guys can feel that :)**  
><strong><span>GirlinTheCafe<span>: INTENSE WRITING BECAUSE I'M AN INTENSE AUTHOR. Sorry, I couldn't resist after your review xD**  
><strong><span>CourageisKlaine<span>: Thank you so much. Your review is so lovely. I bet you're lovely. Stay strong, okay? I love you ; - ;**

**Everyone else: Thank you so much for all the reviews. In my previous AN I said I had 117, meaning I got.. 19 more. I can't believe it. I love you all so much. Apologies for the huge AN, thank you for reading, I'll give you Blaine now XD**

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><p>As Blaine runs back through the hallway, several thoughts go through his head. I hit Kurt. I hope Evan is okay. I hit my Kurt. I have to find Emily. I hit my boyfriend. What's happening to me?<p>

He feels dizzy, but only comes to a halt when he reaches the desk, slightly out of breath and swaying on his legs as a result of the confusion, guilt and exhaustion that rushes through his body. Emily looks up and frowns at the sight of him.

"Blaine? What's wrong? Is Kurt okay?"

"P-Please, come. Evan.. He's- We came back and we heard- heard a thud and he's in the bathroom, but Kurt told me to get you and- please.." He chokes out, his body aching, his head hurting from stress and too many emotions and thoughts to progress.

Emily is instantly on her feet and runs ahead of Blaine, who feels like he's about to fall, but forces himself to walk after her, as fast as he can. He doesn't risk running, though.

When he enters the room again, Kurt is already talking to Emily. Blaine quietly joins them in the small space of the bathroom.

"- don't know what happened, but he won't wake up. He was unconscious when I walked in."

Blaine now sees Evan for the first time, sprawled out on the floor. Kurt is sitting next to him, on his knees, and has Evan's head on his lap. The space smells like vomit and Blaine can feel his stomach turn, his heart feeling cold as reality hits him hard. This is part of Kurt's world. Their world. Forcing out food and over-exercising, passing out and starving yourself.

Maybe it's because he's been feeling like he's living a bad dream, so he kept pretending it all wasn't really happening. Maybe he should have been less selfish and tried harder to understand Kurt's illness. But until now, Blaine hasn't realized for a full hundred percent that Kurt's condition is really an illness and that the people here are like him. There were a lot of them and Kurt isn't even the thinnest, he notices, as he looks at Evan.

Blaine feels sick and he leans against the doorpost with his eyes closed, taking a deep breath. He doesn't understand and it's too much, but he can't run away, because Kurt needs him.

"Blaine?"

He looks up and meets Kurt's bright eyes, which are filled with worry. Blaine knows it's mainly because of Evan, though.

"I'm just tired, don't worry."

Kurt nods and gives him a weak smile. Then he turns his attention back to the pale, thin boy in his arms. Emily is checking his pulse and breathing. Blaine feels quite useless and clears his throat.

"Is there anything I can.. do..?" He asks, feeling nervous and stupid.

Kurt looks up at him again and then looks at Emily, who gives him a small nod. "I'll take him to the doctor, you just.. unpack, or something." She tells him.

A soft groan sounds from Kurt's lap and Evan opens his eyes, looking up, seeming confused and disorientated. "Kurt?"

Kurt's attention is instantly back to Evan and Blaine feels terribly annoying and unnecessary. So he turns around and walks back into the room, leaving the three alone. He sits himself down on Kurt's bed and buries his face in his hands, tugging on his curls with his fingers. He wants to talk to Kurt, alone, and it annoys him that everything just seems to work against them once again. No, he _needs _to talk to Kurt. He feels terrible about what happened in the morning and he has to apologize. He won't be able to live with himself if he leaves Kurt at this place, without apologizing for his behavior.

He doesn't know what made him snap and basically black out. He doesn't remember his exact thoughts before he hit Kurt. Probably because there were none. His mind went blank and he isn't sure whether he was even conscious or not.

He never hit Kurt. Never. Why would he? Kurt was perfect. He was kind, gorgeous, everything. Blaine had no damn right to _hurt_ him. In any way. And now he did and he wants to tear himself to pieces, throw himself off of a building, pull out all his curls, scream until his voice dies. Most of all, he wants to turn back time and be nice to Kurt, gently get him to eat something, instead of terrifying him and _hitting _him. It was unacceptable and terrible and Blaine isn't sure how he will ever make this up to Kurt or if he will ever forgive himself.

Yes, Blaine had a lot of anger inside of him, mostly directed to situations he couldn't control. He felt useless and confused. Sometimes he just hated life itself, because it kept throwing drama at him and he doesn't know how to handle it. He had always tried to focus on moving on, rather than looking at the past. He couldn't fix things that happened and he shouldn't play them over and over in his mind, trying to figure out what he did wrong. But now he could slowly feel his strength fading, being replaced by frustration and an emptiness he didn't know how to fill.

It was scary to lose control like that. Blaine didn't get aggressive often, he mainly tried to keep it in. But that meant terrible outbursts when he was no longer able to take it. Still, he had never gotten physical with anyone. He used boxing as a way to get rid of his anger. He doesn't understand how he could hit Kurt. He _knows _it's Kurt's disease that makes him act like this and he had been a complete, heartless asshole. He doesn't deserve Kurt, he's certain of that. And Kurt apologized to him first, as if he had done something wrong, while he was working so hard to get better and all Blaine had done was relapse and be pathetic.

The worst part was probably that he wasn't able to find himself back until Kurt climbed into his lap and made him feel again. He doesn't know why he shut down like that. Maybe it was from exhaustion, maybe he was too caught up in his emotions, so they all blurred out and made him feel nothing. It was scary and angered him more, though the anger was directed at himself this time, not at Kurt.

His thoughts get interrupted, as the bathroom door opens and Emily appears. She's supporting Evan, who still looks a bit pale, but seems to be strong enough to be able to stand on his own legs. Ironically enough, Blaine isn't sure if _he _is. Emily gives him a small nod and takes Evan with her, probably to a nurse or whatever. There's the sound of a toilet flushing and Kurt appears back into the room, just when the other two people have left.

Blaine looks at Kurt, his heart aching as he takes in the thin figure, pale skin, worry combined with hurt on Kurt's face. He wants to get up and pull his boyfriend into the safety of his arms, but his body won't cooperate. All he can do is stare at the angelic features, the miracle that is _his Kurt_.

Luckily, Kurt walks over to him and sits down next to him on the bed. Blaine is suddenly staring down at his hands, that are in his lap. He feels so confused and _guilty_ and how is he ever going to be able to show just how _fucking _sorry he is?

"Will he be okay?" The words sound strange to his ears, probably because his voice is just completely off. He sounds like he's a million miles away from his body.

"Yeah, he.. he had a relapse while I was gone. But he'll be fine. They're just going to run some tests and talk to him." Kurt replies, his voice small. He sounds tired – broken.

"That's.. good to hear." Blaine says, not sure how to start telling Kurt what is on his mind. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Kurt, about this morning–"

"It's fine, Blaine."

"No, Kurt. No. It's not. It's far from fine!" He opens his eyes and forces Kurt to look at him, even though his own vision is blurred with tears of frustration, hurt and guilt. "Baby, I can't even.. begin to tell you how sorry I am. I don't know what h-happened to me, I just need you to know that I will never, ever do that again. I swear. I had _no_right to hit you. I'm a complete failure of a boyfriend. I love you s-so much, Kurt. You're sick and I shouldn't have yelled at you. The things I said.. Kurt, you're not pathetic. You've been through so much and I'm an asshole. I'm so, so sorry. You mean the world to me, I'd do anything to turn back time. You have all the right to hate me, I don't even deserve you. I only want you to get better, okay? Please, I'm so sorry, baby. I love you so fucking much, Kurt Hummel."

He hears the sob, before he notices the tears sliding down Kurt's cheeks and in an impulse he crashes their lips together, his fingers grabbing Kurt's chest nut hair and pulling him closer, his other arm wrapped around the boy's waist. Kurt whimpers softly and clutches his shirt. When he pulls away, Kurt's lips are swollen and a dark pink. Blaine can't help but to stare at them, before blinking himself back into reality. He sighs and presses their foreheads together, his eyes locking with glasz ones.

"Blaine.." Kurt softly breathes against his lips.

Blaine presses a short kiss against his lips to shut him up. "No, shush you.. I know you're going to tell me it's okay and it's your fault, but it's not. It's not okay and it's not your fault."

Kurt closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them again, Blaine swears he can see right into the boy's soul – the emotions are so raw and open. "Kurt?" He asks softly.

"I love you." Kurt whispers against his lips. He gets up and sits down onto Blaine's lap again, only this time he slowly pushes Blaine down onto the bed, lying down on his chest, straddling his waist. Blaine looks up into Kurt's eyes, his heart pounding loudly in his chest.

"Love you too." He replies, ignoring the tears that are rolling down the sides of his face. Kurt doesn't though, because he leans in and kisses them away with a little help from his tongue. Blaine shivers and wraps his arms around Kurt's neck, holding him close. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry. That was unforgivable."

"I'll let you make up for it." Kurt replies, a hint of a smile in his voice, but Blaine can't see his face, because it's buried in the crook of his neck. Blaine closes his eyes and breathes in Kurt's scent, his fingers playing with the soft strands of Kurt's hair.

"Marry me.."

Kurt instantly sits up again and stares down at him, his eyes filled with confusion. "What?"

"Marry me, Kurt. I understand if I scared you away, so, just.. s-say no if you don't want it, but.. I need to show you how much you mean to me. Please, marry me, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel."

"Do you happen to have a ring too?"

"What? No.. Why?"

"Because you sound so certain, it's like you planned this."

"I didn't, actually. I'm sorry.. I'll have to retry, as soon as I find you the best ring in the world."

"Second best, Blaine."

"Why?"

"It's an engagement ring, right? The best won't be on my finger, until we're actually married."

"I love you."

"Is that you agreeing with me?"

"Always, Kurt. Always."

"I love you too."


End file.
